A Sense of Balance

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarity between budgeting my calories and budgeting my finances. My life circumstances allow me to overspend in both categories should I so choose, but in each case there are inevitable consequences. And, sad to say, I speak from experience. Fortunately, I learned my lesson about unwise spending when I was quite young – just out of college. Just one year of living beyond my means using easy credit and I quickly found myself owing a great deal of money proportional to my salary. It took several years of belt-tightening and a couple of pay raises before I was able to get myself out of that hole. And the things I was forced to do to get back on track were not easy or fun (e.g. walk to work in order not to spend money on the bus!). So once I was on more even footing, I was always careful to remember the days of scrimping and saving. With food, by contrast, there were equal consequences, but the resolution was much more elusive. On several occasions after I gained a lot of weight, I found the temporary discipline to starve myself thin again. But each time I would reach a point of exhaustion, give up, and go on a caloric spending spree. It wasn’t until I was 40 that I taught myself a pattern of healthy and responsible eating, that allowed me to live comfortably, neither requiring starvation, nor permitting undue extravagance. For me, the solution involved walking a careful line of making sure to have a steady stream of foods and treats that I liked, but in small enough quantities to be manageable. Other people have told me of strategies and programs that work better for them, but in my own experience, a consistent pattern of mixing nutritious food and mini-splurges seems to work best. That’s why I don’t like to let the sun set without eating a piece of fruit. Or chocolate! I need both of those things. Its also why tonight I found myself tiptoeing cautiously through an amazing meal cooked by a gourmet friend of ours. The presentation and flavors were worthy of the birthday meal I had last week, and the atmosphere and conversation were equally wonderful. Every course was stunningly beautiful and outrageously delicious. But the fact is, I already “spent” a lot of my budget last week, both on my birthday and on my trip to Orange County. So for better or worse, my decision at dinner was to be like a clever shopper at a high-end department store. Surrounded by luxury and extravagance, but facing a limited amount of funds, a wise course is hard to figure out. There’s no point in just getting the cheapest thing of all, because its not necessarily the most bang for the buck. But its equally problematic to say “hell with it” and slap that plastic onto the counter and fill your bags with pricey things that will leave you in debt. Yeah, its hard to maintain that kind of discipline. And again, its not for everybody. But tonight, as each astonishing course was presented, I made a quick calculation. Was this worth it? Did it taste good enough to blow the bank? Was it too little quantity? Too much? Would I be mad if I spent my calories up front and found the best bargain too late? For me, the decisions were made vastly easier by the beautiful menu cards our host printed out. Right away I knew I would skip anything involving butter-soaked bread. I also knew that –no matter how wonderful its reputation—Niman ranch beef was not something I wanted to “buy” since I’m not a red meat-eater. Similarly, the cheese course wasn’t what sang to me. Instead, I parceled my budget out on an amazing fruit compote, on a couple of itty bitty side dishes a few bites of the entrée, and then took every last dime I had and threw it all at the crème brulee. In fact, I forced Devin to swap me his sorbet so I could have a second one. The crème brulee had just the right texture and sweetness and rivaled anything I’ve ever had at a restaurant. Luckily it was served onto some tiny Chinese “soup spoons” so the portions were small but perfect. At the end of the party, I did some quick mental arithmetic. Even considering my caution, I easily doubled my normal daily calories today. And since my weight has been on an upswing, I know there are consequences to that kind of thing. But far from bothering me, the fact that I was so diligent made me happy. Happy because I know that I didn’t waste one single unnecessary caloric penny. Happy because tomorrow when I wake up, there will be no food hangover, no guilt, and no damage to control. And tonight, I can say without a doubt, that every last bite was worth it. Totally.

Small Plates, Large Prices

How can it be that I spent almost my entire life being overweight, and yet I'm neither a gourmet nor a gourmand. I vividly remember how outraged I was the first time I spent $100 on a single meal (I'd been invited to go out with friends for a New Year's dinner and they hadn't told me it was prix fixe). I kept thinking "what a waste." Frankly, I was always the kind of guy who would happily buy the store-brand knock-offs instead of the brand-name cookies and ice cream. During my adult years I've purchased copious amounts of candy at drugstores and can't ever recall a single instance of visiting an actual chocolatier. And even though I've always hated fast food joints themselves, back when I was still a red-meat eater I much prefered a hamburger to a sirloin steak. So it was that I was truly shocked on my birthday this year when Devin took me to Gary Danko and I actually had the time of my life. Not only was it wonderful to spend a quiet evening with my favorite person in the world, but the food, the setting and the gustatory experience were just amazingly vivid and delectable from the moment we sat down until the moment we left. In fact, for the first time since I began food journalling in 2001, I actually looked forward to writing a full and luxurious description of each item that I'd had, irrespective of the calorie count. Normally I write things like "salad" or "turkey wrap" or "oatmeal." After my birthday night out, however, I wrote Heirloom Tomato Salad with Pearl Onions, Basil Oil and Parmesan Seared Ahi Tuna with Avocado, Nori, Enoki Mushrooms and Lemon Soy Dressing Stuffed Quail with Quinoa, Whole Grain Rice and Black Currant Relish Baked Chocolate Soufflé with Two Sauces Non-Cholesterol Grand Marnier Soufflé; with Raspberry Sorbet (Devin & I "split" two desserts, if that makes sense!) Mini petits fours (with a birthday candle stuck in one). And as I look back on that entry, even those wonderful words fail to describe the joy and pleasure I had in each forkful, in each new course, in each visual extravaganza that was presented. Although I have had dozens and dozens of expensive meals since that first New Years failure years ago, this was the first one that excited me from start to finish. Fortunately, the servings were very, very small. And I don't mean that I'm glad about the modest sizes from a calorie-count perspective. Rather, the amount of food that came with each course was just enough to revel in the taste and sensual pleasure, but not so much that I became over-full or for my senses to become dulled. When we walked out, I still felt as though I could throw on my running shoes and go for a jog. Of course, it being my birthday, and rather late, I got my cardio in another way. (wink)

Travellin' Man

Okay, so what is it about travel and mindless eating? Last week I drove to Fresno wit a trunk-full of healthy food and it was all I could do to stick with my stuff and avoid the junk. I was even laughing at myself for dragging such a huge cooler for such a short trip. This week I had to pop down to Orange County for less than 24 hours, and due to my overbooked agenda (and not checking bags) I was only able to bring a few apples and a few 100 calorie snacks. All the way to the airport I began dreading food pitfalls, even with clear sailing ahead, as far as I knew. And so I worked myself up into such a mindset of deprivation and/or lack of control that suddenly I found myself feeling EXACTLY that, before I even got on the plane. I'm guessing that's the reason I had a healthy turkey wrap and an apple ... and then made a beeline for the newstand and downed a whole (large) bag of chips. It felt like one of those out of body experiences: I envisioned myself feeling panicky and losing control and watched the resulting behavior begin to occur as if I were some kind of dispassionate observer, not connected to the action. Sadly, and perhaps predictably, the same thing happened at the airport on the way home: a healthy meal immediately followed by a mindless binge. When I mull this over, one thing that comes to mind is that sometiimes (though fortunately not always) the act of travelling suddenly removes all of my natural inhibitions. As a result, any surface emotions or feelings come rushing out like a dam bursting. Happy, sad, anxious, euphoric ... you name it. At any rate, this entire airport "drive by eating" sent me some important messages. First of all, planning ahead isn't "silly," its crucial! Bringing healrhy food is vital, but snacks need to be in the mix as well. Secondly, I'm too damn tired of all this! No, I'm not tired of eating well and being thin. Im tired because I'm not getting enough SLEEP! On average about five hours a night the past week. No wonder when my alarm went off in the hotel this morning I immediately talked myself out of running and slept an extra half hour. So. What is it about travel? Maybe what's really happening is that its the one chance my body and mind have an opportunity to give me a wake-up call. Only this time the message is: GET TO SLEEP!

Wish List

When my sister's kids were really young she had a very interesting strategy. Whenever she found herself with the kids tugging at her sleeve saying "Mommy I want this" or "Mommy I want that" she would say "Okay, let's get out the WISH LIST." Then she would make a big deal of writing down on the list exactly what the child had asked for, and had them review what was already on the list. The beauty of this? She never actually promised to BUY any of this stuff. It just got put on the WISH LIST. My guess is that it did two things; first of all, rather than trying to negate, barter, or placate their desire, my sister validated what it was they were saying; second, it gave them all of the hope that a wish list entails (and, of course, some of those things inevitably showed up on birthdays, Christmas, etc.). Although that happened many years ago, all of it came back to me this morning. When I got up today, for a variety of reasons I was in a rather bad mood. As I was walking to Peets for my morning coffee, I decided that I would give myself permission to order whatever I wanted from the pastry case -- no limits, no guilt. No bargaining, no bartering, no lo-cal substitutions. If I wanted it, I was gonna order it. And immediately visions of sugar-scones danced in my head! Fortunately there was a bit of a line when I got there, and so I had time to stand there and look over everything in the case to see what I really, truly wanted. And as I did that, I began to realize that --at one point or another in my life-- I had already eaten pretty much every type of offering that was on those delicacy-laden shelves. Scones, croissants, muffins, bagels, breakfast breads, cakes, you name it, I've eaten it. And for all the delight with which I had pondered over the choices in my imagination BEFORE getting to the store, once I was there, not one single thing really sang out to me. I stood there, pre-paid card in hand, ready to order and thought "what I really want .... is to be in a much better mood." And so I ordered a half-pound of coffee beans to bring home ... and then left. I think the act of both giving myself a break AND focusing on what I really wanted were the things that helped. I'm sure anything I might have purchased would have been good ... tasty even. But would it have been worthy of my Wish List? As it happens, when I got back to work, there was a reminder from my friend Doris about Annette Colby's "Eating Peacefully" Newsletter. In this edition, she wrote: To feel good we must focus on feeling good. This includes lifting thoughts from the stickiness of worry, stress and anxiety and actively placing them on more exciting outcomes. We must learn to become obsessed not with the problem, but with the desired outcome. Happiness is process. It's progressive, it doesn't happen overnight, and it involves cultivating an inner sense of worthiness. But happiness can be achieved. And I realized that, while wishing is fine and well, DOING is the key. Wishing left me in place, feeling frustrated and letting my bad mood go on unabated. It led to inaction. So now I'm focusing my positive thoughts, visualizing good energy, and identifying my desired outcome. Wish me luck!

Present Imperfect

Today didn’t seem particularly “maintenance-y” to me. I feel like I could have gotten a little more sleep, I could have worked out a little harder, and I could have eaten a little less. I hopped on the scale in the morning “just to check” and the data I got was neither unexpected nor particularly encouraging. All the same, it strikes me that – at least during this moment in my life—I’m neither demanding of myself that I be perfect, nor feeling shameful about not exactly being everything I imagined I would or could be. Its not that I’ve lost ambition (or hope), but rather that, for now, life seems workable, do-able, survivable. Enjoyable even! For so much of my adult (and even teenaged) life, my feelings of self-worth waxed and waned just like my waistline. My perfectionism drove me both to great achievement and to great personal torment. Despite great success in my career and a pretty varied and privileged life, I often had a nagging sense of pain and disappointment at what I wasn’t able to do, or be, or become. When I started eating healthy, living wisely and losing weight four years ago, I lost one of the tools I had used to overcome my personal issues. No longer did I set my brain abuzz with the wonderful chemistry of ice cream, chips, cookies and pizza. No longer did I start my day with a latte and a scone (and then another and another …). No longer could I come home exhausted at night, and find solace within the four walls of my kitchen. And that was tough. And, fortunately, that was the past. So even though today didn’t seem all that maintenance-y, I’m pretty damn happy about it. I awoke in time to do my usual run with Paco. I made a great healthy lunch before leaving for work, which meant that I could spend my lunch hour at the gym. I rode my bike back and forth, which got me a little fresh air and exercise. I spent some quality time at my second job with Richard. And heck, I even found a parking space when I got home. No doubt the fact that I’m turning irrevocably and inextricably into a middle aged man tomorrow has made me even more reflective than usual. (46 ?! How did that happen?) But if there is any gift at all of the extra gray hairs, the few new wrinkles, and the slightly creakier bones, its that I’m feeling a lot better about just being … well, me. Its nice to know that this life and career path I’m on don’t require me to be a superman. It’s a relief to feel that even if the bed goes unmade, my latest report goes unfinished, and my food diary is a little overburdened, its all good. Apparently, the Earth continues to spin on its axis even when I say the wrong things, or forget appointments, or even occasionally disappoint people. And not one of those flaws prevents me from being happy. Perfection just wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Comfort Control

Its funny how sometimes at a restaurant the topic of conversation automatically turns to other meals in other restaurants. Last night at dinner, our friends commented on a dinner they'd had the night before. They declared the food to have been excellent but the portions so huge that they went home stuffed. The husband claimed he looked like he was pregnant and the wife said she was so full that she thought she'd be sick. Of course somehow this was all meant to indicate what a GREAT experience it had been. I was thinking of this because today when I went running I had a different sort of experience. Although I'd been slow to get out the door, once I was down the first block I thought to myself "Man, I'm going to feel so AWESOME at the end of this run." I knew that I would feel good, my mood would be elevated, and that my body would have that pleasant post-run tingle. And I was right. To me, that's a real indication of a GREAT experience. Food is such an incredible thing -- it has so many wonderful aspects and yet there is so much opportunity for overdoing it. I suppose the same might be true for exercise, but I feel that when you pick an activity that you like, and feel competent doing, you're less likely to overdo it, and more likely to take measures that give you opportunities to engage in it. Whereas with eating, we can over-fill ourselves again and again and somehow never really learn a lesson from that. Tonight we had another restaurant dinner, but this time it was a place I know well (an excellent hole-in-the-wall Chinese place near our house). Even though it was a party of nine and the table was overflowing with food, I was happy because I knew just what to order, and I also was still basking in my post-run high. I won't lie and say that the mounds of food didn't tempt me. Its just that I felt more in control -- able to eat what I wanted and in the amounts that were appropriate. There are a couple of more restaurant meals on my calendar for the week ahead (including a down-and-back in less than 24 hours trip to LA). I'd like to think that its possible I'll have that same feeling of satisfaction -- eating well without walking away stuffed. Its not easy for me to do when eating out. But I'm glad to know its possible.

Pizza Mind

You just have to feel sorry for Devin sometimes. I’m sure it isn’t the easiest thing to be married to one of the most stubborn people around (even if I am charming and wonderful). And since he is almost (but not quite) as stubborn as I am, it’s a good thing he has a seemingly limitless supply of good humor. A couple of weeks ago, some friends of his invited us out to dinner to celebrate a joint birthday (mine and one of theirs). Devin asked me, gingerly, if I’d go out to dinner and “oh by the way we’re going to that fancy pizza joint on Divisadero.” (You gotta give him credit – he knew I wasn’t gonna love the idea). Naturally I replied rather harshly “Well I don’t like pizza. Why should I celebrate my birthday by going to a restaurant I don’t like to eat a food I don’t like?” With that arms-folded, I-dare-you-to-explain-this expression on my face. “But they’re paying and they’re the ones that chose the place.” What’s ironic to me about this is that lately Devin has been complaining to me about gaining a significant amount of weight. Personally, I don’t care how much he weighs, as long as he’s healthy. But a very tense job situation over the past 10 months has led him to a lot of nervous eating which, combined with his almost complete inability to cook or eat vegetables, has been a bit of a problem. In the past I’ve never been jealous of his ability to eat chips and crackers and burgers and junk food, because he’s always done so in a way that balanced out – eating a lot one day, and very little the next. And playing so much tennis that he could burn off just about anything he chose to indulge in. But now that he’s worried about his own weight, as last night’s pizza dinner approached, he began to inquire in earnest just what it was that made me not desirous of the meal. So I got onto www.calorieking.com and a few other sources and showed him that – based on the type and size of slices at this place – the typical pizza slice had between 500 and 700 calories. Fully one-third of my daily calorie budget. And because I’m very, very stubborn, I refuse to waste calories on foods I don’t like, even if its socially awkward or ungracious. Driving to meet our friends last night, he asked “Honey, what should I *DO* when someone invites me to a place like this in the future? What’s your suggestion?” I replied “Well think of the dozens of times I’ve suggested we do something and you came up with an alternative? It happens constantly!!” And he replied “But that’s different because …” and I finished the sentence “because you have to be NICE to friends, but not to me?!” (Fortunately we both began laughing). At any rate, before we left for dinner I made myself a healthy salad and two lo-carb tortillas filled with veggies. And then when we arrived at the restaurant and were being seated I smilingly explained to his friends that I had to apologize because I got up at 5 in the morning and had had a very busy day and unfortunately wasn’t able to wait until 8 p.m. to eat so I’d already had a little something. They were disappointed, but I tried to smooth it over by telling them I’d take a slice home to enjoy “later.” I’m not sure if my strategy worked. So I’m not exactly sure how the situation could have been handled better. I know that its perfectly normal and generous to be invited to dinner to celebrate one’s birthday, and I understand it can be awkward to reply to an invitation by requesting something different. Devin’s friends are charming and funny, but both very thin (damn them!) and he doesn’t want to talk to them about food and weight issues. Perfectly understandable. The thing is, when I got up to make breakfast today and saw the pizza box in the fridge, I really had to ask myself “was that whole hassle worth it?” Should I have just been silent about the entire episode, eaten my 1000 calories worth (everyone had multiple slices) and shut up? Am I not only stubborn, but just plain WEIRD? Nah. At least I hope not.