Fair Grounds

One thing about living in denial, is that it gives you an easy way out. When I was in denial full-time, I never had to puzzle through my behavior, or my environment, or my lifestyle, because I just 'knew' that I was 'doing everything right' and that I didn't 'deserve' to be overweight. Life was unfair. I thought about this as I was running this morning. For a couple of weeks now, I've been journalling kind of sloppy and I've been watching my weight rise. I just haven't been able to pull myself together for some reason. So I was jogging along, and feeling how 'unfair' it all was, when I realized that, basically, life IS unfair, but that really has nothing to do with my weight. If all I did was acknowledge what food I've been journalling the past three weeks, it would be 'fair' to see my weight go up. But I haven't even been writing it all down, so there's every reason for me to have seen myself go even higher. It probably isn't fair that I've been suffering from a bout of depression the past few weeks either. Until I acknowledge the fact that I consciously decided to stop taking my antidepressant medication because 'I was feeling so much better.' And as I mull that reality, I have to admit that its 'fair' for my brain chemistry to react to the addition and subtraction of medications. Denial is such an odd thing. Its so easy to slip into it, and it takes me quite a while to extricate myself. And its pernicious, too, because when I fail to be conscious of the things that are truly going on in my life, I quickly start to spiral downward in a sense of helplessness and victimization. So for today, I'm going to admit that yes, life is unfair. But life's unfairness doesn't mean that I'm destined to overeat day after day and gain weight week after week. Admidst the unfairness of life, there are many things which ARE fair, and when I can tap into the power of what is possible and what moves me forward, I'll be headed in a better direction. And yeah, I took my welbutrin today.

Taking Myself in Vain

What is it about vanity that causes us to be so uncomfortable? Like everyone else I know, it was instilled in me at an early age that physical self-regard is something frowned upon. The very term 'narcissism' is as ancient as the Greeks. But what is this taboo really all about? I'm thinking about this today because of an article I read on the BBC today which scoffs at the supposedly over-the-top vanity of Argentines. The author (presumably British) takes offense not only at the gym-going habits of Buenos Aires' elite, but the sheer audacity of the men who "quite unashamedly admire themselves" in the mirror before getting dressed. Its kind of weird if you think about it. In the 21st century we are bombarded with messages about beauty (and cleanliness and sexiness) and no one bats an eye at the concept of spending money on clothes, lotions, hair care, etc. But apparently ADMITTING that one enjoy's one own reflection is a no-no. What's crazy is that its all both hypocritical and a little destructive. Human beings admire our own reflections. We do. Studies show that when a mirror is placed in front of a bank of treadmills at the gym, people spend longer on them than if they are facing a blank wall or even a window. Staring at ourselves relieves the boredom! And the reason I think our prohibition on vanity can be damaging is that it not only stops us from admiring ourselves, it rewards the terrible behavior of denigrating one's own looks. If you don't think so, imagine telling a friend that feel as though you look particularly gorgeous today. Now imagine telling that same person that you feel inadequate about your looks and wish you had better ... (teeth, hair, eyes, whatever). Chances are, the latter comment is more likely to elicit support and sympathy. And so I think what can happen to those of us who are engaged in an effort to control our body weight through healthy eating and exercise is that we start off with such a skewed sense of how 'awful' we are. And tempting as it may seem, telling yourself you 'hate your body' is not a particularly good motivator for losing weight. (In my case its more likely to send me into a box of oreos). So it is that I find myself applauding the Argentines. Say what you will about their neuroses and their late-night carousing, its refreshing that they're not ashamed to admit that they care about how they look. As for me, well, I'm off to admire my beautiful blue eyes. You should SEE how they sparkle!

I Can't Do THIS Forever...

Did you ever look at the weight loss journey ahead and feel just totally overwhelmed? You know that sense of despair at all of the things you feel like you 'have to do' to lose weight? As a friend mentioned to me today, there are just times when you think 'I can't do this forever ...' Interestingly, she told me that she'd been reading Anne Fletcher's Thin for Life in which the author talks about successful maintainers and their strategies. In that book (which I haven't read, but she promised to lend me), it apparently mentions that people who are keeping the weight off are pretty much doing the same things they did to lose it. Which is to say, whatever they did while they were losing, they're pretty much committed to doing for life. So what's the good news here? Its that the 'THIS' which people are doing is realistic and sustainable. Often I think back to some of the (crazy) diets I've tried (low-or-no fat diet, all protein diet, 500 calorie diet, fresh vegetable diet, etc.) and recall how drastically the weight came off when I adhered to them strictly. But in every single case, the weight catapulted back on the moment I stopped doing whatever the regimen required. By contrast, during the four years that I've been maintaining, it seems to me that when I stick to the basics (portion control, tracking, regular exercise) my weight is manageable. When I deviate (holiday season, stress periods, etc.) my weight changes. But I am well aware that it can't be about 'sticking with it' every moment of every day. So when I think about what it is that I'm doing forever, I realize now that it has to include ice cream, going out to restaurants, occasionally eating just for 'recreation', days when I forget to journal and chocolate. I don't always do these things in the right proportions, but over the long haul, I do the right things more often than not, and it adds up. Its something for me to remember on those days when I'm staring at a rising number on the scale, holding an empty tracker, or feeling a bit heavy. No, I can't DIET forever. But I can do lots and lots of other little things (drinking water, walking more places, keeping an eye on portions, getting more sleep, brushing my teeth, etc.). I can't wait to get the book!

Putting Down the Cookie

Richard lent me another Belleruth Naperstak CD the other day -- guided imagery for weight loss. I dutifully loaded it onto my iPod and figured I'd listen to it ... 'later.' As it happens, rather than riding my bike to work today, I ended up having to walk instead -- which meant that I had an unexpected chance to use my headphones (I never do that while riding). It was a rare San Francisco morning, early shafts of light drifting through cool air, with occasional fragrant blossoms, and not too much auto traffic. As I walked and listened, I was transported by the 'affirmations' track, which included gentle music as Belleruth talked. When I got to work, I accidently spilled my fresh, as-yet-unsipped coffee all over the carpet at the office! But rather than freaking out, I calmly cleaned up what I could and called building maintenance for the rest. I was still riding high from the meditation and feeling (at least temporarily) unflappable. Later, at the end of the work day, I came home feeling tired and cranky, and found myself rummaging through the fridge for snacks. Having scarfed down a bag of popcorn and then a grapefruit, I felt unsatisfied and wanted more (more! More!). But then I remembered the audio program and decided to 'force' myself to lie down and have a quick listen. In just a few minutes, I was again transported to a calmer, quieter place. Its funny how, even when we know we've got a stress-reliever that works, we have it handy, and we have the time, it can still be hard to walk away from the food. I guess it goes to show that knowledge and action don't always go hand in hand. Food (and for me, rich, sweet, salty, or crunchy foods) can be so seductive, so alluring, that it can blind me to other, better alternatives. I'm probably not especially weak-willed or undisciplined. This siren song of sweetness is something that other people have talked to me about quite often. I suppose its not unlike the sailors in the Odyssey who, listening to the enchantresses' song, are driven senseless and founder upon the rocks. Fortunately, I don't have to tie myself to a mast. I think with a little practice ( and a lot of patience) I have the opportunity to rechannel my energies so that healthier choices are realistic and do-able. Tonight, for example, after my imagery session and after dinner, I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up a few items. In the checkout lane I came across these sugar-cookies-covered-with-colored-frosting that usually trigger a visceral urge to binge. But tonight, for one, brief, calm, shining moment, I felt in control, and just kept moving along.

Wasting Time in Margaritaville?

Someone came to me today to ask me about 'losing just ten pounds' and before I could really ask her any questions, she began with a litany about all the things she WASN'T willing to do (i.e. cut out eating Mexican food, reduce her alcohol consumption, stick to a caloric limit, or do a food journal). I waited patiently for her to exhaust her laundry list of things that she felt she was not willing to do. And when she was done, I simply asked "what would you like to have happen?" Her response was that she wants to 'lose five or ten pounds without having to starve.' Sounds reasonable to me. I then asked her to describe what it means to her 'to starve.' And she talked about wanting to have ethnic foods, to go out and have margaritas with the girls, and not have to feel like she was 'dieting.' Now, while I am against playing the role of 'Advice Giver' (which I believe to be a lose-lose prospect), what I did ask her to do was to spend the coming week thinking about the qualities of her food (and drink) choices and suggested that she really focus on what it means to feel satisfied. 'What do you mean?' she asked. To which I simply said 'every person derives satisfaction in his or her own personal way. It just seems to me that the more time we spend trying to figure out what foods we enjoy and why we enjoy them, the greater the chance that we'll be able to make good choices. After all, deprivation, starvation, dieting – none of those things appeals to me, either.' I'm not sure that any of this 'helped.' But I know exactly where she was coming from, and I walked many, many miles in her shoes. It just seems to me that knowing what we want MOST is crucial to any decision regarding eating and weight loss. There were many years in my life where I needed the comfort value of food to soothe and nurture myself and that if anyone suggested taking those things away, I felt threatened, vulnerable and resentful. Personally, I know of no other way to lose weight other than to create a caloric deficit by taking in less energy than my body is using. It sure wasn't an easy message for me to learn and I don't take for granted the effort needed to put that knowledge into practice. But only when our 'need' to lose weight manifests itself more strongly than our 'need' for margaritas can we start to put the wheels into motion.

Food Hostage

Yesterday I went to see my in-laws, about an hour's drive south of San Francisco. My partner and his brothers played tennis while I babysat my nephew. Afterwards, as we were driving from the park back to my brother-in-law's house, Devin announced that he needed food immediately. And before you could say 'grease-covered lard balls' it was decided by the group that we'd get take-out Mexican food. As it happens, I don't care all that much for Mexican food -- mostly because so much of what they have at fast-food outlets is so calorie and fat-laden. But despite being a grown man and having a lifetime of experiences and strategies under my belt, I sat in the car, mute. It just seemed impossible for me to do or say anything about the food choice. I'm not quite sure what causes the lack of empowerment that I feel when in a group. God knows I grew up as the youngest child in a big family and I'm used to having to shout to get my voice heard. I suppose there is simply something inherent in the social contract that says 'when a group of people decides to do something, get along and go along.' Still, as my Mother would say 'if everyone decided to jump off a cliff, would you do it just because they did?' Writing about it now, I can think of a couple of things I could have done. I could have asked to stop at a convenience store (there are dozens and dozens of them in that neighborhood). Surely I could have found a yogurt or something else healthy. I could have even said something like 'oh I was hoping for something healthier' and asked that we find a place with a salad bar or veggie options. In fact, I could actually have just taken a couple of pieces of fruit in the car with me yesterday and that would have 'held' me for the duration. But no. I neither did nor said any of those things. I simply sat in my seat, unspeaking, and feeling like a hostage. It was just too big a struggle for me to get involved in the family dynamics of my in-laws to 'assert' myself. So I steeled myself and tried to imagine what it was that my brother-in-law was going to pick up (because I wasn't even in the same car with the group that was going to do the ordering). And lo and behold... the Mexican restaurant was closed! Home they came with Chinese food, and much to my relief, there were ample veggies and soup and healthy plates like chicken and tofu. I ate my fill and thanked my lucky stars. Still, the lesson I learned is that all I really need to do is take about 5 extra minutes before a trip like that to throw together a few healthy things and put them in a cooler in the trunk. It would have saved me a lot of angst. Especially if the Mexican place had been open. Live. Learn. Eat.