Half Full

Yesterday I stopped at the Peet's near my office on the way to work to grab a coffee. When I got to the counter, I heard myself ask for the usual ('medium half-decaf') even though in my mind I imagined asking for 'one of everything in the pastry case, no need to wrap it up!' Everything looked so tantalizing -- sweet and crispy and delicious. Fortunately, through force of habit and general morning fogginess, I walked out with just a coffee. Later in the afternoon, a colleague reminded me that from 1-5 on Fridays in April, Peets would be giving away a free 1/4 pound of coffee beans with any purchase. So we walked over around 2 o'clock to get our freebies. This time, my intention was to ask for a 'cup of lemon rose herbal tea' but instead I heard my mouth saying 'I'll have the double-chocolate chip walnut cookie.' And this time, I walked out with the pastry in my hand. When I got to the office, and began taking a few bites, I have to say it was amazingly good. The cookie tasted wonderful and the walnuts and chocolate chips were delectable. But as I chewed slowly, I began thinking. Right now, I really want to maintain my weight loss. I want to look good at the beach this summer, and I want to stand up at my meetings feeling proud of myself rather than guilty. I also thought about my commitment to blog about this journey and to stay aware and conscious of my eating habits. So, halfway through, I put the cookie down. Yes, it was great. No doubt about it. And sure, one cookie wouldn't mean I was 'blowing it.' But the fact is, there was something in me that just wanted to have the ability to order the cookie. The few bites I had taken convinced me that it was a good choice, but that I'd actually eaten enough. I got up and crumbled the remains into a waste basket. It didn't take willpower, exactly. More like a simple, convincing bit of positive self-talk -- 'this was what I wanted, and I've had enough.' I didn't feel cured and I didn't feel as if I were never going to eat junk food again. I just knew that, for the moment at least, I was satisfied. And that's a half-full glass if ever I've heard of one.

Defining Success

My commitment to physical fitness began in earnest in 1989, when I was contemplating my 30th birthday and hoping to find a way to stay feeling young and fit. At that time, I joined a gym primarily to take cardio classes, and only incidentally to do a little strength training. Over the years, my focus has broadened and taken a variety of twists and turns -- sometimes I have hired personal trainers and focused exclusively on weight lifting and other times I have just been working on cardiovascular fitness. Throughout those years, I have lost and gained weight a number of times depending on whatever diet I was trying (or giving up on) and the amount of energy I was expending at the gym. As a result, when I finally got off of the dieting rollercoaster in 2002, even though I was over 200 pounds and definitely feeling and looking out of shape, I had built a core strength. For ages, I had been taking abdominal exercise classes and had trained hard with weights in the hope of building muscle and creating a slimmer physique. But living in such deep denial about my food intake, I was always perplexed by the lack of visible results. I'll never forget my very last trainer, who week after week urged me to journal my food intake so that he could take a look at it and offer advice. I remember refusing -- adamantly stating that my weight had "nothing to do with what I'm eating." The mere suggestion that I write down my food made me angry, nervous, resentful and upset. Of course, when I finally broke down and admitted I needed help and began attending weight loss meetings, and journalling my food, it soon became apparent that the key to my excess weight had EVERYTHING to do with what I was eating. I didn't enjoy admitting that, but over time I learned to be forgiving and not judge myself too harshly. As long as I insisted that my weight was not about the energy-in, energy-out equation, I could never figure out what was 'wrong.' Once I was able to take ahold of that equation and balance out my eating and my activity level, I saw amazing, gratifying results. This week I've been looking for things that would connect me back to my commitment and the sense of empowerment I felt upon first reaching goal weight four years ago. There are many things which I use as 'anchors' but some things work on some days and other things work on others. Today at the gym, as I was lifting weights and looking in the mirror, I settled my gaze on the veins surrounding my bicep. For years I did arm exercises and never found that lean, strong look I saw others achieve. But now, there is a clear, pleasing 'definition' to my upper arms, that clearly shows the result of all of that effort. And while I'm at the gym and lifting weights, I can see this so-called vascularity as a tangible, exciting benefit to being at my goal weight. Vain? Vein? I guess it depends on how you look at it. But this is one definition of success that is keeping me inspired.

The 'Net Net

When I first started out on my current weight management journey, I was casting around for ideas that would help me figure out what to do. At a WW meeting I attended, a fellow member came up to me afterwards and said "Psst, hey, you need to check out Dottie's Weight Loss Zone." Thus began my internet-inspired voyage into the world wide web of weight loss. Dottie's (for the few remaining uninitiated) is a site that was a group blog before we even knew what that was. More than just a message board and list of resources, her 'community' consists of a cadre of dedicated folks who donate their time and energy to research strategies, recipes, and other valuable weight loss information. Many of them also participate in groups that allow them to share their daily efforts -- the good, the bad and otherwise. People drop in and out of the site, but it maintains its value by offering a sort of non-commercial resource not dependent on crazy weight loss fads or miracle programs. From Dottie's I found a site called Calorie King, which is an awesome place to look up the nutritional labels on a huge variety of foods. What I love best about the site is that (1) its free and (2) you can manipulate the quantities of the foods that you're choosing, so the website does all the portion-size multiplications for you. You can also do this on the Weight Watchers website (using their "points" (TM) system) which is available by subscription. Ultimately, when I hit my weight loss goals, I also learned about another group called the National Weight Loss Registry, which is the only university-based organization that I know of which is focused not on weight loss (despite the name!) but instead on how to maintain weight already lost. They are a source of inspiration and information to me, and each year I look forward to filling out their multi-part questionnaire. The studies they issue aren't always encouraging (its really hard to maintain weight loss) but they are always insightful and (at least to me) fascinating. Of course, one of my all time favorite heroes is JuJu of the Skinny Daily, who inspires thousands of people with her user-friendly, motivating and educational blog about maintaining weight loss. Along with Jane (an expert on weight loss surgery) I have been privileged to be a guest contributor there from time to time and its been an amazing source of inspiration, fun and knowledge. This past weekend, my weight-maintaining buddy Donna reminded me of another great tool from the internet -- the Weight Loss Letter by Jonny Bowden. Basically, his approach is an intense focus on guilt-free awareness of the reasons behind our eating. Its not just about journalling, its about using one's inner resources to commit to change and to gentle self-discovery. And while I've never done the 30-day program, I've nevertheless benefited from exploring and reading his observations about the process. So what's the so-called 'net net'? Trash all the spam 'diet' e-mails in your inbox, and head for these sites, which are reliable, interesting, and realistic. None of them promise "thin thighs in thirty days" but they do promise honesty, promote fellowship and provide inspiration 24/7. E-mail me or send in a comment if you've got a favorite non-commercial site (i.e. that doesn't promote a specific product or service).

I "Surrender" !

A smart person once told me that its not wise to think of the weight loss/weight managment journey as a 'battle.' Its not useful to think that we are 'at war' with ourselves, or to focus on a 'fight' that we 'win or lose.' This is not to minimize the challenges involved -- far from it. The fact is, however, that the more we think about food and eating as a 'struggle' the less likely we are to find a more peaceful path to long-term health. Is it hard to eat right, exercise and limit portions?? OF COURSE! But there are many things we do in life that are difficult, and which we are less likely to think of in terms of being a 'battle.' A college education, buying a new home, finding a new job, raising a child -- these are all things which only happen if we focus on a task, prepare and act. For the year or so that I was dealing with my 10 - 15 pound re-gain, I hardly had a day go by where I didn't feel discouraged, angry, despairing or frustrated. It made no sense to me that I had been so successful in losing 50 pounds, but was so unsuccessful at losing a smaller amount. Week after week, month after month, I just didn't seem to be able to find a grip. That's why it was so hard for me to listen to my therapist when I returned to him after a long hiatus and he said that I needed to stop focusing on my weight for a time. WHAT? I had been working and working and working on strategies to lose that re-gain and here was someone telling me to just forget about it? It was the toughest advice I could have imagined. But it worked. I started to focus on other things in my life that were troubling me, things over which I had control and which were meaningful and empowering. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, I began making slightly better food choices, I began having more energy to exercise, and I began to feel in control again. The irony wasn't lost on me -- the less I TRIED, the more I SUCCEEDED. Now that I'm back at my healthy goal weight, I'm still not cured. The past few weeks I haven't made great food choices and I've been in a bit of a funk. At times it has felt as though it was all I could do to stop from falling head first into a chocovat. So I'm going to take a page out of the experience I had last year. I'm 'giving up.' I'm not going to 'fight' myself, in a 'battle' to 'win' in a weight loss 'war.' Instead, I'm going to be taking care of my physical, mental and spiritual needs. I'll keep you posted!

Go Right, Ahead

Since we live on the third floor in an elevator-less building, we use stairs all the time. To get to the garage-laundry-storage area there is a side stair case. To enter and exit the building, however, we use a central staircase. My dog, who likes to accompany me no matter what I'm doing, surprised me by always being able to predict which of the two staircases to use when leaving our front door, even when I let him go ahead of me. This puzzled me. Even though I love Paco , I found it hard to ascribe to him extra-sensory perception or some kind of one-ness with my thoughts. Yet time and again he'd lead to the right to go to the garage, or left to go to out for a walk. Eventually, it dawned on me! When Paco and I stay in the building, I never grab his leash. But if we are going outside, I ALWAYS grab his leash before opening the door. So that simple, subtle clue is all he needed. Its funny, but when it comes to my eating behaviors, there are so many situations just like that! For example, in my mind, 'New York Times' equals 'drinking coffee. ' Conversely, having breakfast signals 'time to surf the internet.' Once I started thinking about it, I realized that I use all kinds of subconscious external clues to make food/eating decisions all day long. Because I've been depressed the past couple of days (hopefully just a touch of S.A.D. from literally 40 days and nights of rain), my eating this weekend was totally off the charts. Despite a lot of work on this kind of challenge, its still true that when I'm feeling down, I engage in an almost unrestricted carb-fest. So here's the thing. I know I have lost fifty pounds and kept if off more or less successfully for four years. That means there MUST be clues in my environment that also signal me to eat PROPERLY. I can think of a few things -- using measuring cups instead of the eyeball method, having fruits and veggies on hand, pre-making salads so I can just grab one from the fridge. When I'm doing those things, I'm generally eating well. So perhaps, in a sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it scenario, the change that will work for me this week is to keep in mind the clues that I use when I'm feeling in control and satisfied. When I can identify and emulate those thoughts, actions or patterns, perhaps I'll be just like Paco ... turning not in some capricious direction, but moving in accord with a plan. jonathan