Self-ish

On the way to the airport tonight Devin and I had a long conversation about our visit to my folks. As an outside observer of my family, he has good perspective and its helpful for me to talk things over since (damn him!) he doesn't take sides. Whether we talked about sibling relationship, parenting, or food, the issue that came up time and again was 'control'. There seems to be a belief in my family that for us to operate cohesively, someone has to lead. Which, of course, means lots of people have to follow. It does make some sense, since if 18 people sharing one tiny house were all going off in wild directions, it would be chaos. And if we sat around in a big circle holding hands and trying to reach 'consensus' nothing would ever get done (and it wouldn't be much of a vacation). And I think my resistance to all of this is based on the fact that I'm not in synch with the family ethos. I neither want to be the leader, nor do I want to be a follower. Devin often says to me "well if you want to control what you eat, then you need to be the one in charge of making the meal for the whole family." But my natural desire is not to have to be the one completely responsible for such a huge undertaking. I want the benefit of everyone's company, but not the responsibility that goes along with it. So in my family, that makes me selfish. Because I'm afraid my 'self' will drown in a regimen of top-down control, I rebel at the idea of someone else setting my agenda, telling me when, where and what I'll eat, where I'll sleep, what chores I need to do, etc. I rebel because the moment I feel 'trapped' I know I'll turn to food as solace (and junk food, of which there is plenty, at that). I rebel because I feel that the choice is either impose my own 'self' on everyone else, or have someone else's be imposed on me. I'm probably blowing it out of proportion a bit, but you get the idea. Its the social dynamic of the group. And since this particular group has two unusual key factors --we go way back, and yet we hardly ever see one another-- it's hard for all of us to adjust. All I know is, when I leave, I usually feel like I haven't done the proper thing. I haven't stepped up to the plate, I've just eaten off of it and scurried away. Because I'm so selfish. Of course, Devin offered me an alternative path -- to communicate with my siblings and establish what I can do and what I can't do and see if we can work things out ahead of time. I hate when I hear good advice like that. Because it makes sense. Of course, I won't have the opportunity to try that out until next year. Thank. God.

Tempting

Oscar Wilde famously wrote that he could 'resist anything but temptation.' I've often felt that way myself. Lately this has been on my mind because I always nag myself about my inability to exercise any sort of food sanity when I'm with my family. So many times I've sat on that plane home with that feeling of overstuffed regret and amazement. In my 'normal' day to day life, I've set down a fairly healthy eating pattern and I usually feel happy, satisfied and comfortable with my choices. But come time to visit my folks and its gobble, gobble, gobble. The sad thing is, my family are not gourmands. Its not like I'm tempted by Mama's meatballs or Aunt Tillie's fried chicken. To the contrary, we grew up on burgers, hot dogs, and macaroni & cheese. And that's pretty much what's on offer to this very day. This visit, however, I've tried to stay a little more aware of my feelings and my surroundings, taking stock of the situation, and not being mad at myself (or others). I have had a few more insights about the social dynamic, and, most amazing to me is that it finally dawned on me that the majority of my relatives are actually rather slender. I never really took stock of that before, strange as it may seem. Although my parents were overweight their entire lives only one of my siblings and I got that trait (whether nature or nurture, who knows). So today, as I looked around the kitchen at the usual panoply of junk (boxes and boxes of oreos, bags of chips, piles of chocolates, brownies, cake, fried everything, ice cream, etc. etc.) I realized that its no wonder I eat crazy when I'm with my folks. Because the majority of them (just like Devin) have some built-in regulator that allows them to eat that stuff without going to excess. And there you have it. I've spent decades of my adult life searching my soul in for the 'weakness' that causes me to 'misbehave' when I visit my relatives. And now I see that its possible, just possible, that the real issue is the constant temptation I see at every turn. Hardly a moment goes by when food of some sort or another isn't being offered, passed around or talked about. Granted, the things that trigger my desire to eat are emotional, stress-related, and very tangible. But when that trigger goes off (and boy does it do that when I'm visiting back East), being surrounded by the most sugary, junky food available sure doesn't help. Nor does watching other people eat that stuff with seeming impunity! And it makes sense when they see me with my non-fat yogurt, my mixed greens, my fruit, my healthy vegetables, they look at me quizzically and assume that there's something 'odd' about my choices. To their minds, I should just eat whatever is there, and stop when I'm full. And they can't see that's the problem -- when I'm emotionally hungry, its not possible for me to be full no matter how much I eat! I'm tempted to explain all of this to them. But in this case, that's one temptation I'll resist.

Buffet o’ My Heart

Its funny how often people tell me that buffets can be their downfall. Personally I find that often I can craft at least something both tasty and edible if given the leeway to serve myself and do a little creative editing. At least in my own experience, the times when there is just simply NOTHING healthy are fairly rare. Of course, I’ve been known to make a meal out of the garnish! My Mom’s 80th birthday party today was replete with all kinds of amazing hors d’oeuvres, canapés, crackers, treats and the like. The buffet had all sorts of creamy, cheese and butter laden entrees, as well. My strategy was to dig around and grab a bunch of the crudités (broccoli and cauliflower, red peppers and tomatoes) and then add some mixed greens. I picked out the veggies from a few of the other steam dishes and loaded up my plate. But I did have one secret weapon. On the way to the party, I asked Devin to stop at the market, where I bought a small jar of mild salsa. I’ve found this is something you can pretty much buy anywhere, and its usually not expensive at all. In California, I must say, there is a vastly wider array of salsa types, but even here in New Jersey I was able to find some good stuff. So, after loading up my plate, I dashed on a little salsa and, voila, had my healthy entrée. I also added some roasted chicken for protein. It was so good, I went back for seconds. Okay, and thirds! By the time it came for the cake, I was pretty full, so I satisfied my urgings with a single bite from Devin’s plate. (Wow… total trigger food, I could have snarfed down eight or nine whole slices). But after that bite, I decided I was done. Long after the caterers had packed everything up and left, and we had moved the celebration indoors to just talk and reminisce, my sister brought out this MASSIVE tray of cookies and pastries. But that wasn’t enough. She also bought several large tubs of mini brownies. I looked it over and thought ‘Hmmm…. I’ll have six of everything!” But truth be told, my buffet dinner had not only been tasty and satisfying, it left me feeling like it was possible to enjoy myself without over eating. So I focused on the slide show my niece had put together and intently listening to the stories and laughter. Victory, thy name is spelled b-u-f-f-e-t!

Red Eyes and Reality

Tonight Devin and I are taking the redeye back East to see my folks at our family beach house. I know that for most people family reunions are joyous happy occasions. For me, it’s a mixed bag. I do have fond feelings for most of my family members, but I also carry around with me a lifetime of experience that leads me to be cautious when I visit them. Old resentments, petty jealousies, childhood roles – these things spring to the fore even when I think all of my therapy and self-actualization have prepared me for change. I know that all of us are well-intentioned. It just that, seeing each other once a year at most, we don’t have a lot of experience being together and emotions sometimes get the better of us (okay, they get the better of ME!). Last year I seem to recall eating about 142 chocolate chip cookies on my annual trek to Mom’s beach house. And I remember resentful looks and impatient gestures from the times I tried to squeeze into the tiny kitchen to make myself something healthy to eat. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a control freak and that gene seems to be one I share with my four siblings and my Mother. When we’re all together with spouses, children and pets … well, its not always easy. In the past I’ve tried to visualize my desired outcome… “I’ll go and I won’t overeat.” Or “I’ll be peaceful and calm and won’t let anyone upset me” or “I’ll go running every morning and that will make me feel better.” But those have proved problematic. Because those things aren’t always something I can do, or which work for me. This time my goal is to simply do ONE THING. I’m going to a weight loss meeting ONE DAY. Naturally, I have a kit bag of other strategies … I’m bringing running gear, I’m bringing healthy snacks for the plane and, more importantly, we’re staying at a motel. Devin asked for us to have a room with a fridge and microwave so we’ll at least be able to do a few things our own way. But based on past experience, I’m not going to count on all of those things working, or even some of them. So this year, I’m taking the time to do one simple thing that will take, at most, about an hour. If everything else falls by the wayside, so be it. I just want to set myself up for success. As someone told me today, I need to release my attachment to the outcome! I’ll keep you posted!

Night Night

What is it about food in the evenings? From everything I hear, my own challenge with it --great as it is-- pales in comparison to that of others. And that really sucks. So often people tell me “I was fine all day, and then about 8 o’clock ….” First off, I should say that I have in the past overeaten pretty much any hour of the day, morning, noon or night. So I’m not saying that there is necessarily something magical about those evening hours. But it really rings true to me when I hear that, after a satisfying day of food, exercise and activity, someone was caught up short by an unexpected and uncontrolled bout of evening munching. While I’m sure that television advertising has an influence there, it doesn’t square in my case, since we don’t have a TV at home. And for me its not about boredom either, because whenever I have free time in the evenings I’m grateful. But many is the morning that I've come into the kitchen and run across tell-tale wrappers from the night before. Ice cream bars, crackers, chips, chocolates. Its weird. I never overeat, say, FRUIT at night. Nor do I crave protein or vegetables (all things that I really love). So I’m guessing a part of it has to be fatigue. Because sugary carbs always seem to be the thing we turn to when we’re eating because we’re tired. And its probably not just physical fatigue, but also that kind of weariness that can set in at the end of the day, once work is behind us, the dishes done, the dog’s been walked, etc. I’m tempted to say that in the evening ‘my defenses are down,’ but wouldn’t that imply that I was ‘fighting’ food? I don’t really think of weight maintenance like that. Its not like I’m holding up a dam of desire that’s busting with hunger. Its not as if I walk around all day plagued by ravenous cravings that I’m putting off until evening. Nah, I think its probably some kind of chemical thing. After all, if not for the invention of electric light, I’d pretty much be in bed by 9 p.m. most nights (and earlier in winter). Maybe all of this modern living has screwed up my signals, and I start digging around for stuff to munch on because the artificial light is wreaking havoc with my biorythms. Or not. Could it just be lifelong habit? Could it have turned into a ritual imprinted on my brain? Kind of like how I can’t fall asleep unless I brush my teeth? And is it possible to change that somehow? When I was losing weight, my strategy was to (a) bank up some calories every day for the inevitable night eating and (b) put a stop to it when I’d reached my daily limit. For a long time, I ate 50% of my calories after 5 p.m. But now that I’m working longer hours and getting up so gosh darned early (5 a.m. most days), I tend to eat two-thirds of my calories BEFORE dinner. Which doesn’t leave me all that much to play with. So, who knows … pass the popcorn ... and will the last one to go to bed please turn off the kitchen lights?

Candy

Yesterday we stopped by the supermarket on the way home from one of Devin’s tennis matches and it was like a cosmic convergence of the healthy weight management stars. While Devin went off to the deli in search of a sandwich, I headed over to the produce section and … wow! Blueberries, strawberries, peaches, plums, cherries … they were all ripe, delicious and on sale. The colors, the aroma, the shape and look of the tender fruit all set my mouth to wandering. And, honestly, I said to myself “I feel like a kid in a candy shop!” So I literally filled my (hand) basket and practically ran to the checkout. When I got home, I quickly made up a large fruit bowl and dove in. I even added some amazingly tasty ruby red grapefruit that I had purchased earlier. It was spectacular. The taste and the texture and the aroma – my senses were awash in rapturous enjoyment. Every forkful was a sensation. Then again tonight, when I got home from my 2nd job, I pulled out of the freezer some of the veggies from the Chinese market that I’d pre-cut and washed. I sautéed a little garlic and onion and dropped in the veggies. It was unbelievable. The aroma and the colors were so astonishing and captivating. Each bite was an exciting blend (ginger, shallots, garlic, yams, mushrooms, eggplant …. YUM!). Seriously, my eyes and mouth were ablaze with excitement. And it never even occurred to me to think about the health aspects. I was just too happy with the eating part! It was pure, unadulterated bliss. Its funny, I *think* I used to feel this way about chocolate ice cream. I guess this might have been what I felt like when eating pizza or cookies. But in a way, these fruits and veggies were satisfying on so many different levels, that I’d venture to guess that I actually enjoyed them …. more. More? Enjoy veggies and fruits more than chocolate and cheese? I must be going crazy. But don’t touch that last peach. Its got my name written ALL over it.

Click, click, click

In my house, we don’t have television. Devin has a large flat screen hooked up to a DVD so he can watch his violent movies and his comedies, but we have no broadcast video of any kind. Its not because I’m virtuous or a saint, or even anti-entertainment. But on both of my last business trips, there was a nice big TV in the room and from the moment I turned it on, I was wielding that wand like a sorcerer flipping from channel to channel to channel, mesmerized. I could barely force myself to turn it off and go to bed. For me, television is something that I feel most comfortable consuming outside the home. (Like on one of the SEVENTEEN televisions at my gym!) On a similar note, one of my favorite bloggers wrote the other day about some terrible eating episodes where she felt out of control and unhappy. If you’ve been there, like I have, you know what she’s talking about. It’s a mindless compulsion similar to flipping that channel changer. You just cannot stop eating. A lot of people jumped in with comments about joining some kind of 12-step program, which I found interesting. The message was: abstinence. The thing is, I don’t feel comfortable with any extremes, and I think food abstinence is, indeed, an extreme. I do understand why smokers, or drinkers, or drug users join programs that help them eliminate those things from their lives completely, but I think its different from eating. Unfortunately, I have no scientific reasoning behind that thinking, its just my gut instinct. Still, I should explain. There are many foods which I no longer purchase or order at restaurants or go out of my way to obtain. Cookies, potato chips, hot dogs, ‘regular’ ice cream, donuts, etc. etc. I know that once I start with one of those, my trigger is pulled and I’m off and running. For those foods, my rule of thumb is that I only indulge in them if they happen to come my way, in an amount that cannot be overconsumed (i.e. not at a buffet table.). For example, the last time I had a CONTROLLED interaction with peanuts, was when I ate a packet on an airplane. Once I was done, I could have eaten two more pounds worth, but of course I was buckled into a seat high in the sky and couldn’t get to any more. And within 20 or 30 minutes, that craving dissipated. So if someone offers me a bite of a cookie, fine. If Devin orders a sweet dessert, I’ll have a forkful. And on rare occasions, I’ll do a taste test at Costco (but only when I’m done shopping and headed for the checkout). Again, I’m not virtuous, or saintly, or anti-junk food. Its just that, if I’m told there is something I cannot have, almost immediately my five year-old self comes to the fore. And I get resentful and angry and fling myself to the ground pounding my fists and sobbing …. gimme, gimme, gimme! What I’ve learned is that I need to tell my inner toddler something more along the lines of ‘Sure, no problem, if you really want, you can have a little bit now. But let’s wait until later to have more, okay? We can always come back.’ And while I do not have any real children in my life, this strategy seems to work for my imaginary inner self. I just need to keep that little wand (and those mounds of potato chips) out of my clicking little hands.