Control Freak

There was an exciting envelope in the mail when I came home from work today! I got my much-anticipated annual questionnaire from the Miriam Hospital Weight Control Center. If you haven’t heard of the National Weight Control Registry, you should check it out. They are the only major scientific program at a nationally ranked university (Brown) that I’m aware of who’s focus is on long term weight MAINTENANCE. You got that right. Not weight loss. Weight control! To qualify for the NWCR, you need to have lost 30 pounds or more and kept it off for a year. I joined as soon as I could, and so it was really cool to get the form letter that said “We are happy to note that you have been a member for the past three years.” Woo hoo! (To be fair, you don’t get “kicked out” if you regain weight). The questionnaire is very in-depth and asks a couple of hundred questions about particular foods and the frequency and amounts you eat. Only as I read through the list and kept checking “No” “No” and “No” did it really dawn on me that I don’t eat a lot of “mainstream” foods. Burgers? Breakfast egg muffins? Steak? French fries? Cold cereal? Um. I don’t eat any of that stuff! And of course when it came to the veggies part I had to keep checking “DAILY” and then ticking off the box that indicated the largest portion size! I think the only one I checked “No” was green beans. The second part of the questionnaire asked more attitude-type questions, I suppose gauging one’s sense of optimism or pessimism. I like the part about “If you were to regain weight in the year ahead, which of the following would you do?” And it goes on to list a lot of things, including my favorite: “Refuse to believe you’ve gained weight.” Hee hee. Been there, done that. The most revealing question of all was “How much did you weigh on this date last year.” When I looked up the answer in my log book, I was actually shocked to see that I have lost ten pounds (even though I knew that, of course) since then. In fact, it suddenly came back to me that last year’s letter from the NWCR had a huge impact on me. You see, one of the things they do is supply a barrage of statistical data related to various research projects they’d done. And last year I read in one of their reports that for people who lost 30 pounds or more, but gained more than 10 pounds of it back, only a teensy weensy percentage of them ever re-lost the weight. It was like that study way back when that said a single woman over 30 was more likely to get hit by a bus than get married. Depressing and hard to believe. But I now recall that, having read that report I thought to myself “Dammit, I’m going to be the ONE. I’m going to beat the odds. I’m going to prove that report wrong.” And so, I have.

Home Fit Home

One portion of the main route back to San Francisco from Fresno was closed today and so I had to find a detour. For about fifty miles I drove through the uninhabited farmland of the Central Valley, which gave me lots of time to think (it was either that, or listen to Ranchero music on the radio). In spite of good planning and great intentions, over the past 48 hours I exercised significantly less and ate significantly more than normal. Its not a good weight-management strategy. Of course, I give myself credit for all the little ways in which I remained active (walking as much as possible, taking stairs, etc.) and having my ice chest of healthy foods certainly helped me curb *some* of my eating. And I also know that probably not much happens in a 48 hour period that isn’t almost immediately reversible. A few more days of working out this week, a few more healthy meals, and I’ll be back on track. What I thought about on that long, lonely road was that today I really, really wanted to eat, and I really, really didn’t want to exercise. I had mostly healthy food but I simply ate more of it than normal. This morning I skipped my daily run, and even though I arrived home in time to go to the gym, I went to the supermarket instead. Why is it that sometimes the whole lifestyle-in-balance thing seems so do-able, and other times it seems so exhausting? I’m guessing that it’s a vicious / virtuous cycle thing. The healthier I am, the more motivated I feel. The less healthy my behaviors, the more I lose momentum. So sitting in a car for hours on end actually makes me feel tired, whereas working out at the gym energizes me. Eating carbs and cookies makes me hungrier and I want more. By contrast, eating fruits and veggies satisfies me, so I need less. By the time I got back on the main freeway, everything seemed a lot clearer to me. All that daily walking, biking, working out and living healthy has got to be its own reward. I’m not doing those things to store up bonus points in heaven. Those daily behaviors shape my life and my interaction with the world. And, as a sort of proof of this theory, the moment I got back in the city, I decided to go ahead and ride my bike to school tonight, even though I was “tired.” And after class, on the way home, as I was pumping my way, heart-racing, up the steep hill home, I couldn’t have been any happier.

Priorities

Today was a long drive -- both for me and for the rest of the staff that came out to run the logistics of the conference. And once here, we spent the better part of the day doing the set-up, and just taking care of the thousand little things that have to be done. So what does it say about me that when we were done, I didn't join the people going out for a drink, I didn't join the people headed to a local steakhouse, and I didn't join the people going to the mall. No, not me. I had to drive around the darkened streets of Fresno looking for ... instant oatmeal. The thing is, instant breakfast oatmeal (the kind that comes in a paper cup that you can cook it in) was on my food list. But in the rush of packing this morning, I forgot to put it in the bag. And of course, for the first time in ages, it turns out my hotel room actually HAS a microwave oven. In the grand scheme of things, I know it wouldn't have killed me to go cereal-less in the morning. But I also know that there are going to be food temptations ALL DAY tomorrow (breakfast meeting, followed by a conference, followed by a luncheon)! And for whatever reason, oatmeal is always a great start to my day. So there you have it. I'm obsessed. Truly. But I've got a nice cup of oatmeal all ready to be nuked in the morning.

Planning Department

One of the things I like best about my new job is that its a decent fit with my skills AND my interests. So I'm glad that it entails taking occasional, brief, short-distance business trips. I like getting out of the office, and I'm perfect happy to be "Behind the Scenes Guy" at any conference where they need a go-fer to make copies, pour coffee, run the computer, or whatever. I'm also reasonably comfortable speaking to an audience, so long as the topic is one that I'm pretty familiar with. So while I'm not exactly "looking forward" to driving (four hours) to Fresno tomorrow, I'm perfectly okay with the idea of doing support logistics for a series of meetings. The downside is that these trips inevitably rub the control-freak part of me the wrong way. I can be very set in my routines, whether its running in the morning or having popcorn for a snack. I usually have a plan that relates to the time, place and content of my activities, and I can be cranky if thrown off. So it was that I found myself fretting all morning about Fresno. I know that from the moment I arrive, until the moment I leave 24 hours later, almost every single minute is booked. (I will, apparently, be allowed an eight hour break to sleep). But I'm guessing that while we are running around fixing name tents, getting spare batteries for the mike, and briefing head honchos on what's going on, the best we're likely to be offered is a 5-minute fast food break. But you know what? I am stubborn. Damn stubborn. I like to say that until my Father died I used to be the 2nd most stubborn man in the western hemisphere (just ask Devin -- he's 3rd). So I've started a quick spreadsheet -- easy, portable meals that will last in my car 24-26 hours in a cooler. And while I want it to be healthy for sure, the food I bring along also has to be tasty and appealing. Because its got to compete with cookies, french fries, burgers and the rest of the junk that will be all around. Trust me, I have been known to take a 5 minute break to dash to my car to procure a healthy sandwich, but I'll only do that if its something I really, really like. And this time I'm also making sure to bring snacks of both the healthy kind (aka apples and whole wheat crackers) and of the NECESSARY kind (i.e. chocolate and crunchy/salty snacks). Because we're working late into the evening and then reconvening at the crack of dawn the next day, there won't be time for the gym. But there *might* be time to go for a run. So I need to stash my running gear and my iPod in the trunk, just in case. And then after the Fresno events are over, I need to drive back home (four hours) and see if I might be able to make it to my night school class. Since the custom there is to order pizza or chinese and consume it right at the communal table before class, I'll need to have something of my own to eat there, too (they never order the GOOD stuff!). That sure is a lot of planning and a lot of work. It means, as I told Richard, lots of "shopping and chopping" tonight before I leave. I'd be lying if I didn't say I resent the fact that I have to do all of this. And I know from other trips that its common to find a 24-hour supermarket with healthy, grab-and-go foods, which obviates the need to bring stuff along. But you know, my Father never promised me that life would always be fair. All he did was teach me to stick to my guns. Or my healthy habits, as the case may be.

'Tis the Season

October. I’ve always had an affinity for this month. In New England, where I spent most of my youth, this is the brief period when all the forests glow with the technicolor blaze of autumn. We always used to buy bushels of apples in October and keep them on the porch, and we would also have pumpkins (which we would never eat, but whose seeds we would scoop out, bake, and snack on). It also happens to be my birth month, so I’m reminded of all the parties and –of course—gifts! At the same time, with the onset of Halloween, the darkening skies, the change in daylight savings, and the cooler weather, October can also signal the beginning of the most challenging weight management season of the year. It really can seem daunting as you look ahead for the next 12 weeks and wonder what’s going to happen to your hard work and good intentions. As the tennis banquet the other night proved, a lot of the festivities and parties coming up are not going to be offering food that is particularly great. Although there will be plenty of brightly colored treats and candy and snacks popping up all over, in fact very few of them will be the kind of high-quality food that I really enjoy. From candy corn to candy canes, I simply don’t find most of the seasonal stuff to be worthy of the few extra calories I have to spend on “fun foods” each week. I’m not saying that a Tootsie Roll doesn’t tempt me, but I am saying past experience guarantees that it won’t SATISFY me. In fact, as far as trigger foods go, for the most part my life is simply better off without them. No matter how tasty or delightful a food may be in that first moment, once it becomes unstoppable, I feel both a sense of endless deprivation and a total loss of control. I’m lucky that there aren’t too many of those foods for me, but for the few of them that do sing that siren song, this is the time of year they tend to be most available. One thing is for sure. Without wanting to sound like a martyr or a killjoy, I really don’t feel like gaining weight this year. I’d much rather start off the new year feeling both happy and satisfied. Fortunately, I know that it doesn’t necessarily have to be food alone that makes a season or an event memorable. When I think of the Thanksgiving trips Devin and I took to London, Paris and Beijing, I do remember some of the meals, but mostly I remember the sights and sounds and wonder of it all. This year, since we’re too broke to go anywhere, my challenge is to find ways to be engaged in the fun part of the weeks ahead, without overspending – calories OR dollars. After all, those are both precious resources.

Pet Peeves

Earlier today I was musing about clothes and being at a healthy goal weight and thought I’d write something about how good it feels to wear appealing, nicely cut apparel. And how hard it used to be to find anything that made me look or feel good. Then I read this article in the SF Chronicle and decided maybe a guy should be silent on this subject. After that I thought I’d write about my Long Sunday Run which wasn’t all that pleasant today, but found that my blogger pal Josie had not only covered the territory, but had run waaaay more miles than I did today. So the only thing left on my mind was this – a silly story from church. For logistical reasons, my church celebrated the feast of St. Francis a week late, so today was blessing of the animals. One of the guys in my Education for Ministry Class was there, and brought his two elderly, rambunctious, beagles. Since he sings in the choir and serves at the altar, he and his dogs were sort of all over the place during the service. I was ruminating on that whole “how dogs and their humans are alike” thing and realized that one thing that always strikes me about this guy is his long, shoulder length hair that is always unruly and flying about in a frizz. So a sort of crazy chaos is shared between him and his dogs. But what about me? What about Paco? Well, fact is, I didn’t even bring Paco to the service. He is a wonderful dog with a loving heart, but he is also restless and energetic and a little too full of himself when there are people to be harassed for petting and treats. So I left him home. And that got me to thinking. Just as I “hid” Paco today, perhaps I am also in denial about the parts of myself that I think are less appealing, less socially acceptable, and overly needy. I might think those traits are okay in private, but in public I don’t want to stand out, make a fuss, or act too spontaneously. That, and Paco and I are both messy. I leave my shoes all over the place. And he coats every surface of our home in a fine, white layer of fur.

Tennis Anyone?

I’m very proud of the fact that my hubby was named “Player of the Year” in men’s 3.5 level tennis for all of Northern California. This was not an honor that merely fell into his lap – he worked hard, both mentally and physically, to improve his game and increase his skill. He strategized about the tournaments to play, kept notes on his opponents methods of play, and he practiced, practiced, practiced. So it was that –despite my dislike of banquet-style events—I found myself at the USTA awards dinner last night. I’d been a few years ago and had a not-too-unbearable time. Its just hard for a relatively introverted person to hang out in a group of people who all have the same thing in common (i.e. tennis) which I personally do not share. This year there was a wedding going on at the club where the event is held, and so our “party” was shifted outdoors to the pool/tennis area. Unfortunately, the weather was quite chilly (about 54 degrees) and although I had a light jacket on, I was soon miserably cold. Once the sun went down, it was –for me—truly unpleasant. But everyone else was so busy chatting and talking about the ongoing tournament and the year of tournaments that just ended that most people seemed to be having a good time. So there I was, seated in a cold metal chair at a folding table, seated next to strangers, staring at a paper plate which had been stacked with mashed potatoes, ribs, an oily few lettuce leaves, cheesy pasta and a bread roll. I tried. I really tried. To be nice. To be conversational. To not be conspicuous about the food (which I didn’t touch). I tried not to let the fact that I was freezing and bored out of my skull make me seem like a pill and crank. I almost succeeded, too. But the awards didn’t begin for several hours and then they dragged on and on –and while I stood and clapped and smiled, the only person I knew there was Devin (and one or two of his tennis friends) and all I could think of was “when do we get to leave” and “what will I make for dinner when we get home?” In the end, Devin got his award (an etched mug on a wooden coaster with his name emblazoned on the side) and we left after “only” three hours. He’d had a good time, and achieved his objective of bringing along his spouse (he has a strong value about us being “partners” and attending each other’s events). I definitely did not enjoy myself, but as I look back on the evening, I am pretty proud that I didn’t just cross my arms, eat food I didn’t want to, and sit around resenting everyone and everything. Making the effort to be polite allowed me to get some insight into the people in his league. Skipping the crappy food allowed me to have something much tastier (not to mention healthier) when I got home, without feeling guilty. It was just the sitting out in the cold that go to me. Brrrr. And we don’t have to go back for a whole year!