Please Understand Me

Fans of the Myers Briggs personality profile inventory are legion. I've taken the "test" a few times myself, and I've always received the same result: Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. If you're NOT in the know on this one, suffice it to say that one nickname for my personality style is "Protector Guardian." Lots of people who know me imagine that I'm an extrovert, because I love to talk a lot, I'm very animated in conversation, and I work part time as a group facilitator. But the best way to think of it is this: at a social gathering, an extrovert gathers energy, whereas an introvert spends energy. So on Saturday mornings I may deal with 100 people and enjoy every minute of it, but by noon, I'm beat and I need to sit alone quietly for a couple of hours. The Sensing/Feeling is a little harder to explain, but its a sort of "people pleaser" who seeks social approval and makes decisions based on data that arise at an emotional level. I like to say it makes me charming and empathetic, but often factually vague. The reason I find all of this important is not that it pigeon-holes me or explains everything I do. Rather, an examination of the different components ends up being a very useful way to understand how my perceptions can be different than others'. Its why Devin can look at an excel spreadsheet and intuitively see patterns and formulas in the numbers, and why I need to format the fonts, draw gridlines, and use shading and spacing to guide me through that same data. We both look at the other and think "god, I can't believe its so hard for him to see things MY way." At any rate, discussion of Myers-Briggs came up in my spiritual studies class the other night and it got me thinking about those old categories. They really do help me see things clearly, even if I have to be cautious and not take it all too seriously. The insights can be very profound. For example, for a very long time it sort of bugged me that I felt I "needed" support in order to maintain my weight at a healthy level. The idea that I "had" to attend meetings, I "had" to ask people for help, and I "had" to constantly find inspiration made me feel sort of weak. It was only when I realized that the truth is I WANT this support that I felt a lot better. Rather than needing all of that help -- I THRIVE on it. Its a way of energizing myself and developing a sense of calm and contentment. In turn, I also enjoy the process of sharing this information with others, even acting at times as a mentor or guide. That's why blogging is such a natural fit for me. Although I strive hard to display my sense of humor, only those who know me very well think I'm at all funny. One quote I found kind of sums it up -- "their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth it ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose." So today I just want to thank you for reading. Just knowing you stopped by the blog gives me all the warm fuzzies I need in order to skip that maple scone calling my name from across the street.

How Baby Steps Become Giant Leaps

I’m frazzled from a long day. So no real post this time around, just some random thoughts about things that are crucial to me now that I wouldn’t have dreamed of, five years ago. Here’s what happened today: (1) I woke up at 4:15 this morning with a full roster of stuff to do, but even in my sleep deprivation I was excited because … I got to try out my brand new running shoes! (2) Later, when I stopped by Peets, as I stood in line I drooled over the pastry case. When it was my turn, my inner voice cried “I’ll have a maple scone” but the actual words that came out of my mouth were “I’d like a medium black coffee.” (3) In a rush today buying lunch, I was halfway to the register with a small (maybe 10”) avocado wrap sandwich that had a nutrition label. 140 Calories. Not bad. But wait – servings per container: 3.5 Yes, THREE AND A HALF. I don’t think so. I got a salad instead. (4) Tonight I was in heaven when I got home because I had two packages: Reflective running gear from roadrunnersports.com and 80 calorie chocolate muffin tops from vitalicious.com So who says maintenance is a bore!

Forever 99

A couple of weeks ago I bought a very expensive combination mobile phone-data assistant that handles phone calls, surfs the web and --most importantly-- synchronizes with my work calendar. Since I work two jobs, am going to night school, and have gym and other schedules, its really good to be able to keep everything in one place. As I was entering some recurring appointments and meetings, however, I was struck by something. If, for example, you want to program a meeting you usually have at 10 on Wednesdays it offers you the option of repeating it for a set period of time, or ... forever. Forever. (Or 99 occurences, I'm not exactly sure which). I don't know about you, but no matter how dedicated I am to doing something, I find a little hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I'll be at it ... forever. Even my mortgage (which sure SEEMS like forever), will supposedly be paid off in twenty-five more years. When I run, particularly when I run long distances, I have a habit of NOT looking ahead towards the horizon. I like to keep my head low, and my gaze focused no more than about 50 feet in front of me. Sometimes I might look at the view from a hilltop, or I might check out an interesting sight, but I rarely if ever glance at the distance that looms ahead. Its not that I'm in denial about the fact I'll be running a mile (or ten miles). Its just that I don't like to THINK about it in such large increments. At any rate, my guess is that its this factor which makes long-term healthy weight maintenance so damn hard. After all, if you're engaged in an activity to LOSE weight, chances are that you have an end goal in mind, and with each passing milestone you feel closer to "finishing." I hear this all the time. "I'm skipping that dessert until I reach goal." Or "I'm going to the gym five days a week until I lose those last three pounds." But when you're in that weird place of simply wanting to "continue to be healthy," you lose that near-term focus. And personally, no matter how happy I am with being healthy and controlling my weight sensibly, if I have to look up towards the years looming ahead, it can be a bit daunting. I wonder if that's why I spent the entire day fantasizing about having a food or meal that I could really blow the bank on. I sensed this longing to just throw off the traces and stop counting and tracking, diving into a choco-vat and going for a swim. The thought of it tumbled around in my head over and over. Fortunately, I was brought back to reality when I checked out the nutrition info for a chocolate shake at the burger joint next to my office: 1310 calories, 57 grams of fat ... yikes. Because in fact, I wasn't hungry at all. I was just feeling restless. And the more stuff I looked up online, the more I realized that all I really wanted was a change of pace. So tomorrow I'm going to shake things up and make sure I try a few new things. After all, no matter how good they are, I can't just keep eating the same old foods .... forever.

Past, Present, Future

The other day it was raining and I had a gloomy onset-of-winter feeling, and I posted here a sort of rhetorical question about whether maintaining good health habits (and weight) was do-able in the season of holidays ahead. Now, however, Indian summer has returned with warm and sunny days (just as it SHOULD in San Francisco in October!) and suddenly I'm feeling a lot more rosy. So yesterday I started to get curious about how I had fared in the four (count 'em, FOUR!) seasons that I've experienced so far as a thin person. One upside of my compulsion for record keeping is that I was able to put my hands on the information for my weight (so that I could neatly graph it all on an excel spreadsheet, but that's another story). The upshot was sobering. Not terrible, but eye-opening. My first "lean" season (roughly mid-October through mid-January), my weight fluctuated normally within a band of about three pounds. Year two was pretty much the same story. Then came year three. I began the season by recording my weights, but abandoned the effort in mid November, only to emerge SEVEN POUNDS heavier four months later in April. Wow. Fact is, 2004 was one of the most difficult and painful years of my life. Years of unemployment, my Father's death, and a general malaise through me into a tailspin. I had what I call a "mild nervous breakdown" around then, but emerged alive and unscathed (and clutching a bottle of welbutrin and a bill from my shrink) in early 2005. Last year -- season number four -- was the opposite. I had just begun my blogging efforts at the SkinnyDaily, I was finally employed suitably in my profession, and (most importantly) I had just gotten married. I weighed each week faithfully and by mid January 2006 I had LOST seven pounds. So here I am, looking at those graphs and numbers and trying to divine whether there is something in there that's going to predict the next 90 days. Since the sun IS shining, I'm feeling optimistic. My goal is to stay within my normal fluctuating band of 3 pounds, as I have in the past. But more importantly, my overarching plan is to find myself in January 2007, looking back and thinking "Wow. I was so satisfied with the choices I made: eating the must-have foods, avoiding the don't-go-there events, and never feeling deprived." Can I do it? Watch this space!!

My perfect day off

Previously I’ve written about the fact that I’m not really into “relaxing.” Which is to say that when I have free time, I prefer to feel as though I’m doing something valuable. Its not that I have to work, or do chores, and its not that I can’t goof off. But I want to feel, at the end of the day, as if I made the best possible use of those precious hours. Today was one of those unexpected holidays that mostly bankers and bureaucrats have off, while everyone else works. So I took full advantage of it: Slept in late, even though my partner had to go to work. Left the dog at home, so I could go for a longer run than usual for Mondays. Drank in the beauty of the morning, and the perfect weather – clear, cool, and still. So nice not to run in the pitch dark! Made a large and tasty breakfast, savoring my time over coffee with no rush to get to work. Did loads and loads of laundry, caught up on some correspondence. Picked up my clarinet for the first time in months and honked out a few tunes. Biked to the gym for a solid, strenuous workout. Once home again, made a healthy lunch and read the newspaper. Prepared for my evening part time work, for once having the leisure to slowly and thoughtfully plan how I’d like to run the meeting. Stopped at the Chinese supermarket on the way to work, and loaded the trunk with four huge bags bursting with fresh vegetables … for about $30! Enjoyed an easy, quiet time at work, with lots of time to chat and catch up with coworkers. Drove home by way of the “regular” supermarket to pick up some lo-cal ice cream Washed and chopped veggies for 30 minutes, preparing 8 bags for future use, and one serving to stir fry up for dinner. Enoyed a nutritious and amazingly tasty dinner And last, but not least… Had the ice cream!

I got music

On Sundays I do my "long run" for the week -- a nine mile route that meanders through five or six different neighborhoods and includes a nice long stretch in Golden Gate Park. Although the rest of the week I only run two miles a day, my Sunday run is usually something that I feel comfortable with. The only trouble I seem to have some days is just getting out the door to start. One motivating strategy is to try something new -- new shoes, or sox, or better sunglasses or a 'high tech fiber' shirt. Anything to pique my interest and keep me inspired. There is a lot to be said for variety. Still, the single most important factor in keeping me on my feet is music. I simply can't run without it. My personal preference is for high-energy dance music (not the creepy trance stuff that's popular in clubs, or the profane hip-hop songs that they play in the gym, but rather upbeat vocals and a good melody). I spend endless hours online searching for new stuff. Last week, about six miles into my run, my iPod battery ran out. I was mortified! The prospect of running for a half hour without my musical distraction was really bleak. What I did to keep myself from giving up was to try and listen and identify every single sound I could hear. I know from experience that if the only thing I focus on is my own breathing and the sound of my own feet, I soon become bored and exhausted (go figure). So I named the sounds ... "bus" "airplane" "dog barking" over and over until I got home. It was do-able, but I just have to say that my hat goes off to those people who always run without distraction. I much prefer getting out there when the world has an artificial, electronic soundtrack. Especially at 5 in the morning. Much to my chagrin, the iPod continued to give me trouble all week. As I approached Sunday, I became pretty worried. How was I going to run if that darn machine didn't do its job?! So on Saturday, I convinced my very generous significant other to donate to the cause. I expropriated his iPod shuffle and downloaded a couple of hours of my music onto it (thereby erasing ALL of his music). This morning I had a long, enjoyable and easy run. The weather was stunning. Blue sky, cool temperature, light breeze -- a remarkable San Francisco day. I saw the usual sights and did the usual people watching and totally lost myself in thoughts about the day ahead. It was a calming and energizing experience that set me up for a really pleasant and restful day. And all thanks to Devin and that wonderful, hi-energy soundtrack.