Clean Slate

For the past couple of years I’ve chosen Saturday morning as my official weigh-in day. Because I’m a person who thrives on patterns, organization, and order, it feels good to me to have that kind of structure and consistency. That’s also why I don’t mind keeping a food log (far from it – I actually enjoy writing in my journal). When I look at the trend of my weight (both up an down) I feel secure in the knowledge that having it recorded exactly once a week and then averaged out over time, I have a pretty good measure of where things stand. While I was on vacation I never even saw a scale the whole time. It didn’t bother me too much at the time, as I was having fun and getting in a lot of exercise. But it did mean that for a (okay I’ll say it) compulsive guy like me, it felt like something was missing. And naturally I have an “unofficial” scale at home that I checked when I got back. Still, it wasn’t the same. Since I started a new job this past week (one of my friends told me its getting hard to keep up!) I had a lot on my mind … returning from vacation, new work responsibilities, a business trip, enrolling in a night course, an incomplete return to my gym schedule, etc. etc.. None of these things were “bad.” They were simply “different” and therefore a little disruptive to my routine. In the middle of the week, I found myself way out of bounds on the eating. The sneaking-a-cookie-in-the-hotel incident was just the tip of the iceberg. Over and over I’d start off the day right with healthy and satisfying foods, but by the time evening rolled around, I was in the never-never land of trigger foods. As a result, the past couple of days I have been really, really looking forward to Saturday. Not just because I wanted the weekend to begin and have some time to recharge my batteries. But because I wanted to get my new journal started (my food-tracking week begins on Saturday) and I wanted to have a chance to wipe the slate clean. (As opposed to cleaning my plate!). It was with great relief this morning that I got my wish. New journal, new number in my weight book, new week begun. Now I can “officially” report that I maintained my weight while on vacation – the first such success I’ve had in four years. Its funny because this whole idea of when my weight is ‘real’ and when my food journal begins or ends is complete a construct of my imagination. My weight could be recorded any day, any time. My food journal could be tossed out and restarted at any point that I choose. I felt bad during the week that I couldn’t seem to get a handle on things and “knew” I would have to wait until Saturday. Why couldn’t I just hit control-alt-delete right then and there? At any rate, I’m going to just go with it. It feels great to see the clean week ahead and to know that I’ve got six more days to do things right. For whatever reason, that thought fills me with optimism. So. Here goes!

Cookie Nut

For logistical reasons I had to stay overnight in a hotel yesterday. It was very upscale and ritzy, much nicer than the places I normally stay. Of course at the check-in counter there was a huge plate of what looked like freshly baked cookies – large, nut and chip filled monstrosities, just the way I like them. Yeah, yeah, there were apples too. But the cookies… Never mind that it was late, and I had already eaten dinner (and brushed my teeth!). Those treats set off a mental alarm bell. And as she handed me the room key, the gracious check-in clerk pointed out that from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. there was a ‘guest pantry’ whose contents were completely free. I wish I could say that I got to my room and went to bed. Because I really was tired last night. It was all I could do to stay awake for the hour-long drive down to the hotel. In fact I even skipped the gym because I figured I’d been a little hard on myself this first week home. But you see, there was the matter of this PANTRY. In my backpack I brought a nice breakfast for the morning (cottage cheese, fresh plums, and instant oatmeal). I even had some crackers for a healthy snack. For good measure I’d even taken one of those stupid apples from the front desk (I’m sorry, but Red Delicious is my *least* favorite kind). Nevertheless, what I actually did was – sit in my room watching TV and waiting until 9:59. Yep, despite everything, I was just itching to get down to that PANTRY. And once the clock hit that magic number, I was off to the elevator bank. The room turned out to be quite nice, and actually rather pantry-like! There was fruit, sandwich fixings, coffee and tea, and … and …… and a HUGE plate of those cookies. Although I was alone in the room, I actually made a pretense of making myself some herbal tea and grabbing a fruit cup. Then, on my way out, balancing the tea and fruit, I grabbed a cookie. Guilt-ridden, I stuck it in my pocket. As if I was going to be ‘caught’ by someone in the hallway, eating one of those cookies. When I got to the room, I dumped the tea, set the fruit down and – lickety-split in two bites I scarfed down the cookie. Here’s the thing. We all know that a single cookie is not going to break anyone’s back. It doesn’t mean I’ll gain weight this week and it was certainly a lot better to eat just one rather than sneaking the whole plate back to my room (Yeah, I thought about it …) But what struck me was the ferocity of my desire and the shame I felt for having it. You’d think that with all of my preachiness and attempted role-modelling that I’d have the expertise and resources to avoid simple little situations like that. But no, like a moth to a flame, last night I was inexorably drawn to singe my wings. This morning I had to get up at 4:30 in order to meet my colleagues in the lobby by 5 and yes, I visited the pantry again. This time I got coffee (which I needed) and hot water to make my oatmeal (which I needed). The plate of cookies? Polished off in the night. Thankfully not by me.

I Wish!

They say be careful what you wish for. For the past seven months I’ve been pretty bored at work, and have felt like I was spinning my wheels with what little there was to do. My managers knew that, which is why they sent me first to Memphis and then to Michigan to attend a couple of conferences. But I never really thought much would come of it. So any time an internal job posting came up, I applied. As luck would have it, I finally landed a position (basically a promotion with no pay increase) just before I went on vacation. So when I returned –tanned, ready and rested—I had to immediately leap into a new environment with new people and new tasks. So far the work is interesting and I’m enjoying my coworkers. But I am suddenly very, very busy! I’d love to say that running in the morning and working out at the gym have helped me maintain a sense of calm. But that would be such a lie! The fact is, although I’m very happy with this new situation, I’m more than a little overwhelmed. I want them to like me, I want my work product to be top-notch and I want to make an outstanding first impression. And of course that leads me to tripping all over myself as I try to dance as fast as I can. All of this is by way of saying that my eating has really sucked the last couple of days. Mostly its been in the evening that I’ve lost my resolve and nibbled my way through the waning hours of the day. Today was no exception. Its certainly because I’m physically tired and intellectually drained and what I really need is comfort and meditation, not junk food. And it really sucks to be in that I-know-what-to-do-but-can’t-seem-to-do-it mode. Although a part of me says “time to batten down the hatches and get back to discipline” I know from experience that at times like these there really is only one solution – forgiveness. So for now, I’m just going to brush off the cookie crumbs and try and get a good night’s sleep. Of course, I have a 5 a.m. wake up call since we’re setting up for a conference in the morning. Never a dull moment. Wonder what I should wish for next?!

TV or Not TV

While I was in England on vacation, my health club spent a bundle on “upgrading the facilities.” Well … they didn’t fix any of the lockers in the men’s changing area that don’t have latches (and therefore can’t be used). They didn’t repair any of the leaky faucets in the washroom. They didn’t put in air conditioning, they didn’t buy any new exercise equipment, and they didn’t even paint the place. No, they dropped their money on adding sound proofing to one small area of the gym, and the rest of it they spent on buying 16 huge new flat-panel television monitors. And, okay, you’re probably tired of hearing me rant about the ills of TV. But the one thing I am very happy about, is that they actually *removed* the monitors from several corner areas of the gym where I most often work out. So I no longer have to intentionally avert my eyes in order not to get sucked into whatever game show, soap opera, or car advertisement that’s flashing on the screen. But I honestly have to wonder – what went into the decision-making process that led to a health club replacing perfectly acceptable television monitors, with brand new ones? Even if they got them at a good price, there must have been a huge labor cost, as both the old and the new ones were hung from the ceiling on special secure hooks that no doubt were a logistical trouble to install, in this earthquake-prone city. The only thing I can think of is that it must be how they impress prospective new members. Rather than having to point out all of those heavy weights and the cumbersome equipment and the people straining and stretching – they can just wave their hand towards the TV monitors and talk about their ‘state of the art’ facility. I suppose gym membership must be a hard sell. The fact that I actually ENJOY going to work out and I look forward to it even on days (like today) when I’m pretty tired probably blinds me to the fact that most people would rather just go home and have a drink after work. Or a big mac. Anyway, this reminded me of something that happened after a meeting last night. A woman came up to me with a resigned look on her face and asked “isn’t it true that people who do a lot of exercise lose more weight and lose it faster?” My response was to say “Well I can only answer the question in a different way. What I can tell you is that all of the research shows that people who have already had success at weight loss and are continuing to MAINTAIN their loss, incorporate a significant amount of exercise into their lives.” While I’m no expert on the subject, what I gather from friends who are into marathoning is that intensive exercise like that can actually lead to some weight GAIN. For one thing, people who are strengthening their bodies for endurance need to increase muscle mass and build up good energy reserves. For another thing, in this modern sedentary society of ours, we tend to overestimate how much exercise we truly get, and therefore we tend to overcompensate. There are plenty of exercise calculators on the internet that you can look up. I bet if you looked into it, you’d find out that it would take many hours of strenuous exercise, just to ‘burn off’ the calories in a single serving of fast food French fries. I can’t even fathom what it would take to compensate for a big steak, a pile of mashed potatoes, some oil-dressed veggies and a slice of cheesecake. There probably aren’t enough hours in a day. Bottom line: for me, going to the gym isn’t about masking my efforts by losing myself in a TV program, and its not about revving my heart rate up so that I can eat more. Its about building core strength, challenging myself and – yes, even having a good time. Of course, your mileage may vary. Don’t sweat it, I’m just exercising an opinion.

A Happy Holiday

Two overdue bills. A laundry basket full of clean, but unsorted, unfolded clothes. A stack of newspapers and magazines to read. Not a lot to show for two weeks of vacation, but its all I've got at the moment. (Fortunately I just mailed off my film to be developed so hopefully I'll have at least a few good snaps to remind me of all that fun I was just having.) Unable to contain my curiosity, I hopped on my home scale this morning "just to see." Normally I do my official weighing in on Saturdays, but the last two Saturdays I was in England so I've been pretty much in the dark. Fortunately, what I saw this morning was a number reasonably similar to my last weight, taken the day I left for Europe. Which means that this time around, I actually achieved what I set out to do. Namely, have a great time, come home feeling rested, and -- importantly -- return without gaining weight. That might not seem like much of a momentus occasion to the average person, but to me, its a wonderful feeling. Its the first time in four years that I managed a reasonably long vacation (15 days) which included plenty of exercise and entertainment, but also included plenty of reasonable eating. I wasn't perfect, either. Sure, I got in plenty of exercise -- but I never made it to the gym, despite plans to do so. Sure, I did a lot of healthy eating -- but several days I slipped up and had something like TWICE the number of calories I had planned for. Sure, I journalled -- but there are definitely a few days completely missing from my food diary. There were a few times I overate out of boredom, out of anxiety, or from exhaustion. And more than once I ate food I wouldn't have chosen on my own, but which I felt 'obliged' to eat for social reasons. But all in all, it seems to have worked out. And that's one souvenir I'll cherish for a long, long time.

Home Sweet Home

I guess it says something about me that after getting up at 5 a.m. this morning and spending the next twenty hours travelling, upon arrival in San Francisco I asked my significant other to stop at the supermarket on the way home from the airport so I could buy some vegetables!! On my trip today I ended up eating some pretty junky food (jet lag, long waits in airports, anxiety and lack of caffeine tend to weaken my resistance). Fortunately, none of it tasted good enough to make me want to repeat the experience. If anything, it strengthened my resolve to stay on the maintenance trail. It just feels better, both mentally and physically, to eat life-sustaining foods, rather than junk. What fascinated me was that both at Heathrow and in Chicago (where I changed planes) there were actually plenty of healthy options to be had. I bought an amazing salad and a wonderful veggie wrap -- both of which were delicious and chock full of nutrition. Of course the bright lights, the advertising and the display cases were mostly filled with caloric land mines -- but it wasn't like those were the only options. We certainly have come a long way, baby. One other thing about the airports really sticks in my mind. Although the British (or at least the British media) are very concerned about their population being overweight and there is plenty of visual evidence of that, I will say that the moment I landed in the states it was startingly obvious from looking around the terminal that the American population has gone much, much further towards epidemic obesity. I'd like to think that we have a chance to turn all of this around, but perhaps I'm being a little too optimistic. At any rate, I'm excited to be home and filled with such great memories of a wonderful vacation. And while I'm dreading hopping on the scale this week, at least I know that the number I get off that machine will say absolutely nothing about the enjoyment and relaxation I had while I was away. I couldn't ask for more than that now, could I !