Count Down

You'd think I would be all excited and happy to be leaving for vacation tomorrow. Well, I am, but the preparations leading up to it have also got me feeling stressed out , frazzled, anxious and not feeling completely ready. All the tension settled in my back and shoulders too, making me rather sore all day. Reading news reports hasn't helped! And then there's the part about completely forgetting Devin's birthday. Oh... which is also our anniversary. Oops. Anyway, we went out for dinner tonight to a nice little South American place about a mile walk from our house. I was not in a great mood and was definitely not very good company on the way there. But as we settled in for a nice meal and a long talk, I decided to relax as much as possible. The food was excellent -- "small plates" with a variety of mostly Andean food (Chile, Peru, Ecuador). We chose three each and got a wide array of soups, meat, fish, veggies and starches. It was a real extravaganza price-wise, but reasonable size-wise. Looking back on it, I feel as if I did one thing correctly and one thing incorrectly. What I did wrong was to obsess in the beginning over the likely calorie count of the plates we chose, both when we ordered and when the food arrived. It was hard for me to pay attention to the conversation, the ambience, and the enjoyment as I slipped into automatic calculator mode. It stems from years of habit, and its not easy for me to turn off! What I did right was to really savor the food and to exercise portion control. Despite the expense of the food, I didn't scrape the plates. Instead, I matched Devin and ate piecemeal, the way he does. A bite here, a bite there. Slowly, I eased back into the conversation mentally as I was able to chill out and just be glad for the experience. For the first time in weeks we really had a chance to talk about our lives and our worries and hopes. And by the time dessert came around (flan, of course) I was able to take a few small bites and then put my spoon down, completely satisfied. We walked home slowly, arm in arm, taking our time, lost in conversation. Suddenly my backache, my anxiety and my fears all seemed kind of distant. So I guess it really is okay to be imperfect, after all.

Sleepless in San Francisco

Stupidly, I got only four hours of sleep last night. I say this because it was my CHOICE. I knew I had to get up ridiculously early today, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to bed. So when my alarm clock went off well before the crack of dawn, I had no one to blame buy myself. Unsurprisingly, my eating has been a bit of a carb-fest. I think there are two reasons – one is that a tired boy craves carbohydrates as a fuel choice. And the other is that carbs taste inherently more exciting to me than protein or fat, and when I’m sleepy my defenses are down. I had to skip the gym tonight – it was all I could do to hop on my bike, drop off a book at the library, and pedal home. Just the *thought* of having to walk up three flights of stairs to get home, and then immediately turning around to take the dog out, left me feeling exhausted. Fortunately there’s a bench in the really nice garden section of the park. You’d think that it would be easier to give in to the urge to sleep than it would be to the urge to eat, but I guess not. Sometimes I’m like that little kid who just doesn’t want to go to bed. But at the same time, I’m a light enough sleeper that even the hint of the alarm going off has me bolt out of bed. I’m not terribly proud of my food journal today, although it hasn’t been a complete disaster (there are a few veggies in there, somewhere). But I’m glad I went ahead and wrote everything down. I spent the day feeling irritable and edgy and the slightest thing would set me off. Even my back was protesting by the end of the day … “lie down and go to sleep!” Perhaps the next time I’m tempted to stay up past my bedtime, I’ll remind myself about days like this. After all, at my age, I could use the beauty rest.

Nobody's Perfect!

I had a job interview yesterday – something that always sets me up for a bout of anxiety and nerves. It was one of the underlying things which had been keeping me irritable and on edge for the prior few days. Just knowing I was going to have to go sit in front of somebody and be competent, charming, approachable, knowledgeable, and experienced (these were some of the adjectives I wrote down to memorize) was enough to make me jittery. I’ve been through dozens and dozens of job interviews, and so you think by now I’d be immune. But you’d be wrong! Its hard for me not to revert back to that sinking feeling I had as a kid in gym class who nobody wanted on their team (‘pick me!’ ‘pick me!’). What’s funny I thought afterwards, is that I’ve never actually been hired for a job that I couldn’t do (okay, except for a couple of years ago, when I failed at working the stock room for Banana Republic). No matter how complex the job description, no matter how seemingly impossible the job sounded during the interview, any time that I’ve been selected for a job and took it, things turned out fine. Fortunately, the one strategy that I *have* successfully adopted is the tried and true “fake it til you make it.” By putting on a pretend exterior face that says “I can do it, I’m your man!” I can drown out (at least temporarily) the little voice in the back of my head that says “Oh no! I’m an imposter! They’re going to see through me and know that I’m totally incompetent and clueless!” This was tremendously helpful yesterday when it turned out to be that dreaded format … the TEAM INTERVIEW! Three people were there, and sat opposite me and alternated with questions and responses. Rather than run screaming from the room, I put on my game face, smiled, shook hands, and dove in. As far as I can tell it worked. Regardless of whether they hire me, at least for that 90 minute period I was the “relaxed, competent, enthusiastic Jonathan” rather than the “nerve-wracked, self-doubting, anguished Jonathan.” This, I think, is also key to my current process of weight maintenance. In rational, considered, calm moments, I know that I can do this, and that I have the tools and resources I need to make choices that keep me healthy and happy. Then, in crazy, nervous, irrational, and illogical situations, I have the imprinted memory of how to at least ACT like I know what I’m doing. It helps that many dozens of times I have stood in front of a group of people in the role of facilitator guiding a discussion about weight loss, even when I was either panicked about my own scale reading, or frustrated that I couldn’t seem to get into the groove of things. By repeatedly projecting a calm, positive, realistic image to others, some of those same messages sank in internally. One last thing – a few years ago I was in the 2nd round of interviews for a fabulous-sounding job that I really wanted. I loved the company, I had enjoyed the first round of interviews, and I was just bound and determined to be the perfect candidate. I rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. Astonishingly, when I finally got in to see the Vice President, I immediately sensed a wall go up between us, and no matter how many of my practiced responses and questions I trotted out, things seemed to get worse. Although I had said and done every last thing I planned, I knew immediately that I wouldn’t get the offer. Talking about the disaster later with my counselor he asked “do you think the interviewer ever got a glimpse of the REAL you?” And I said “well no, of course not!” And he replied, that perhaps the next time I could remember that even the best version of myself is neither flawless nor perfect. Nor should it be.

So hungry I could eat a .... cracker

Because I'm a communicator by profession, word choice is pretty important to me.  Not to say I don't occasionally use words in the wrong context or with a mistaken understanding of their meaning.  But for the most part, when I write, the words that end up on the page are ones I've thought a lot about.   This week, I've been trying to figure out how to write about hunger.  As you know, for a while I've been thinking about the whole "food-ache" (i.e. desire to eat for eating's sake).  And I'm still working on that.  But last Saturday someone made a comment to me that really struck me.   She said "well, the hardest thing is that  I'm just starving all of the time." I asked what was causing her to feel that way.  "This portion control thing just leaves me without enough food, so I feel hungry constantly."  (Of course, when I hear stuff like that, the silent red lights and sirens go off in my head.).   I asked her if she could think about food choices or behaviors that would help her mitigate the feelings of hunger (I was thinking ….more fiber? more frequent meals? reduce sugary snacks?).  But she said "no, there's nothing that will help.  And I really hate how it feels."   The conundrum I see here is this – personally, I believe there are (at least) two kinds of hunger; one mental and the other physiological.  AND THEY ARE BOTH "REAL."  I would never try to talk someone out of their feelings or sensations, so whether its physical signs that clue them into hunger, or a mental/psychological reason that gives them that sense, I agree its real and must be dealt with.   But I do think we have to separate them out – because amongst those of us in the industrialized world with access to supermarkets and the modern economy, true physiological 'hunger' must necessarily be a function of choice.  In other words, if you're working class or higher in this day and age, you aren't going to literally go to bed hungry, unless it's a decision you've made.   And without in any way wishing to judge the woman I spoke to on Saturday, I doubt that she really had a clue what it means to actually "starve."   In fact, I would even argue that some of the physical signs that we identify as hunger, are possibly something different.  For example, a blood sugar crash.  In my own experience (and I'm not a diabetic or hypoglycemic or what have you) when my blood sugar crashes it isn't because my body is having a response to LACK of food.  Rather, its having a response due to the food CHOICES I've made, which then led to changes in the blood sugar level.  Put differently, I've never experienced a change in my blood sugar level that was a result of malnutrition.   I've also read a few reports that indicate that even something as simple as 'stomach growling' isn't necessarily a sign of hunger.   And whereas the sensation of weakness might be a good indicator, in my experience I have to be careful that I'm not simply just tired. (Yes, there's a difference!).   And as for mental hunger, oh man.  I think it is those very mental processes that convince us that the signs we are experiencing aren't just "phenomenon" to be observed, but rather are signals for us to eat.  When the mind yearns for food, it has a large basket of tricks to play for us in order to convince us to eat, even in the absence of a pure chemical or physical drive.   For me, evidence of this brain power is that I can find myself mouth watering and lips smacking for a treat, even when I've just eaten and my tummy is absolutely full.  For example, I could have a nice bowl of soup, a salad, some veggies and an entrée and achieve physiological satisfaction, but roll out that dessert cart baby, and suddenly I can't even TELL that my belt is cutting into my stuffed tummy.   And let me repeat, I don't think any of these forms of hunger are false.  They are all real.  Its just how we respond that matters.   And I actually think its probably okay to eat for 'mental' reasons.  We are human beings, after all, not robots.  I, for one, would despair if the ONLY reason I could eat was to satisfy nutritional requirements (how boring!).  Food may be fuel, but its most certainly not gasoline or firewood.   Lastly, in the interest of full disclosure, I want to come clean about my biases relating to the whole hunger/starvation thing.   About 25 years ago, when I was desperately unhappy, clinically depressed, and in a state of post-adolescent trauma, I did actually starve myself.  On purpose.    My sophomore year in college, I subsisted for about four or five months with a very conscious plan to eat less than 500 calories a day.  I can't say if it was anorexia or not, but I do know that at my lowest weight then, I weighed about twenty pounds less than I do now (which scares me to think about).   So in a sense, I know exactly what starvation is, and physiological hunger, and mental hunger – but I also know that the brain is so powerful that it can sometimes make pretty big mistakes and over-ride all of those signals.   Lucky for me, my psychological misery was greatly lessened by the opportunity to live and study overseas for a year, and once I moved to Spain and was out of my unhealthy environment, I soon found that starving myself made no sense.  I took me another 20 years, however, to get back in touch with the correct signals, so that I could stop the bingeing and the dieting, and get back to simply eating.   Ultimately, I'll still probably continue tell myself that I'm hungry and I might even sometimes slip and say "boy, I'm starving."   But to paraphrase Scarlett O'Hara 'as god is my witness, from now on I'm paying attention to my true comfort zone.'   Hmm.  I might need to wordsmith that one.

Frazzled!

I'm anxious, tired and on edge.  I had a long day and didn't get home until 9 pm. Work went from 0 to 60 mph today, I have a job interview tomorrow, as condo board president I'm way behind on getting approval for a massive and expensive construction project on my building, I'm leaving on vacation in a few days and not feeling prepared and –worst of all—I completely forgot it was Devin's birthday next Monday.   The funny thing is that all I could think about this afternoon was I forgot to bring an extra xanax to work today!    Of course, its not that a mild tranquilizer would SOLVE any of these problems.  But I know from past experience that it would tone down the noise level and stop my worry from spiraling out of control.  For me, anxiety leads to irritability, and irritability leads to bad choices!    If there's a silver lining to this (and I firmly believe there is) I'm thinking its the fact that I'm identifying what I really need is NOT FOOD, but rather a method for achieving a sense of peace and tranquility despite the roof caving in around me this evening.  There's no doubt in my mind that in the past my answer to this would have been a take out pizza, a gallon of ice cream and a box of cookies.   All of which would have anaesthetized me, but left me with the same problems and no solutions.    Earlier today, my intention had been to write about the nature of hunger.  How often we are convinced with all of our heart and soul that we're 'starving' -- when in fact very few of us middle class folks have ever faced true physical starvation.  I think mental and emotional hunger is real and compelling.  Its just different.    That discussion will have to wait, however.  My xanax just kicked in.  Ohhhhhm

Size Matters

Volume appeals to me –at least when it comes to food.  There's something about the process of eating that I find so pleasurable that I'm always extra happy when I can extend that enjoyment by having something that takes a long time to finish.  That's why a salad appeals to me more than a cracker.  The former gives me a long period of eating enjoyment, while the latter might be consumed in just a bite or two. Sure, I've had to cut down the portions of a lot of my favorite things (ice cream, chocolate, etc.).  But knowing that I can have soup, or fruit, or vegetables in quantity, helps me to keep down the volume of the more sugar-intensive stuff.  I never seem to want for big meals. As a result, I eat a rather inordinate amount of vegetables.  Pretty much every day I get out a skillet and toss in frozen or fresh veggies, some garlic and a little seasoning and, voila, a meal.  Or a snack.  Or an indulgence.  As I've mentioned previously, this is probably the most notable change in my habits that not only helped me reach my goal weight, but has kept me there.   At the same time, I discovered I can overdo it.  Yep, even vegetables can be consumed in excess, if you really put your mind to it.   Last year Devin bought me a really nice 12" calphalon no-stick skillet that he found on sale.  Over and over I have stuffed it high with all kinds of creations, day after day, meal after meal.  It served me well, but due to such extensive use, I noticed it began to warp on the bottom and also to lose some of its non-stickiness.   So it was definitely time for a replacement. Naively, I headed out to the store where we got the original, assuming I could buy an exact replacement.  Duh. The clerk told me they had 9",10" and 13.5" but no 12.  The thirteen just looked too huge (even for me)and the 10" so paltry, that I decided to try another store.  And then another.  And then another.  And then the internet.  But to no avail.  My lovely skillet was not to be found. It took me a few weeks, but I finally gave in and cashed out a gift card to Williams-Sonoma that we had left from our wedding last year, to buy a beautiful (but tiny looking) 10" brasieur.  Its wonderful, and I made the right choice.  Very high quality, easy to clean and sturdy. But boy, those two inches have made a difference.  And because the lid fits lower on the pan, there's even less 'head room.'  I've had to cut back on my portions significantly.    So there I found myself this morning, staring at a veggie and egg-white omelette thinking "is that all there is?"   When I was done with breakfast, however, I noticed I felt full enough.  I didn't NEED more.    Turns out a 10 inch skillet can accommodate even my hearty appetite.  Which kind of bums me out.  Because it reminds me that when it comes to volume eating, I really CAN over-do it, even with healthy food.   Do you suppose that's why the label on the frozen veggie package says "Servings Per Container …. FOUR" ?!?!