Raves and Rants

My colleague Diane and I were talking this morning about some of the challenges that we have when helping others on the weight-loss journey. She pointed out that much of the time, the folks we're dealing with are angry. Angry at their weight. Angry at themselves. Angry from physical discomfort. In short, just angry! I have to remind myself of that when people glare at me, or pull long faces, or even display an expression of disinteredness and boredom. Its not about me or what I'm saying, its about what they're telling themselves at that moment. It makes sense to me that this is an issue for those of us dealing with with excess weight. Because, for better or worse, eating is a pleasing and tranqulizing activity. So not every overweight person is mad all the time, but a lot of frustrated people end up medicating with food. Discussing this, we agreed that there is no special advice we can give or magic phrases we can use. But we can listen, we can reflect what people are feeling, and we can ask questions. That has helped me countless times when someone has sputtered "THIS ISN'T WORKING!" Now, you might guess that someone saying 'this isn't working' means 'this whole healthy food/portion control approach is what's not working,' but a lot of times that's not really it. Sometimes when I remember to ask 'What isn't working?' I find out amazing things. "I can never eat right" "My coworker sabotages me." "I can't control my food choices." Feeling those things would upset me too. And it isn't easy to change those situations. But it does help to talk about it. Other times, when someone says "This isn't working and I was PERFECT this week" I also have to remember to try and find out more. What is perfect? What were the expectations of what would happen? Where did they find the information that told them the 'rules' for 'being perfect'? Again, I hear amazing things. "I hardly ate at all." "I exercised six times this week." "I journalled my food every single day." "I stopped eating chocolate." All useful insights, and often when people start talking, they begin to tap into other memories and circumstances and then I know we're really getting to the root cause. Its that clarity that can give us the clues to turn things around. Bottom line? Its okay to be angry. It doesn't necessarily solve anything, but that's okay. Not every emotion has to be solved. Scream, rant, and groan all you want. But don't give up. If you're like me, you tried that before and that didn't work either.

Walk this way

Well, I did it! Finally I have plane tickets and accomodations lined up and am ready to take my first real, long (by U.S. standards) vacation in about 6 years. What I'm grateful for is that after posting about vacation food-and-eating anxiety here on the blog a while back, a number of readers gave me some great ideas. Just to re-cap, the bottom line is that I'm still in the confidence-building phase of being able to go on an extended trip and not fall headfirst into the chocovat. I'm not talking about exciting, exotic foods, I'm talking about the junk food binges that have resulted from almost every vacation I've been on for the past three years. So several people suggested that I consider an adventure-style trip, which would feed into my natural desire to stay fit and healthy. While I think whitewater rafting and trekking the Grand Canyon would probably be fantastic for some people, personally I'm not the outdoorsy type. Probably stems from too many campouts when I was a boy scout that left me feeling cold, tired and cranky. Not to mention my lack of affinity for wild animals of any kind. I get itchy just thinking about it! No, I'm a city person. And for me, no great vacation can take place without at least a cursory visit to a great city. New York, Paris, Miami ... now that's my kind of place! I love architecture and people and fashion and history -- those things inspire me and give me a lot of satisfaction. And there are so many places I've not been yet, or I've been and want to see again. In the end, I picked London. It just made sense because I have a few friends there, and I love the place. Its endlessly interesting and has elements of familiarity as well as many new unexplored nooks and crannies. I've also been to the gym there, and gone running there, and shopped for healthy food there, all of which are appealing and reassuring. But I also decided to try something I've never done in my life. So I signed up for not one, but TWO, very brief 'walking holidays' in the English countryside. I'll visit the Cotswolds one week and the Norfolk Coastal Path (North East of London) the next. Each tour comprises about 15 miles of walking EACH DAY. That's a lot, even by my relatively healthy standards. I'll spend the weekends in London, recovering with my friends. So now, rather than obsessing about food issues and focusing on unhealthy thoughts, I can turn my fixation to preparing for two 45-mile walks. Which high-tech socks to bring. How many pairs of shoes. Which audio books I will listen to. Whether I have enough waterproof clothes. What easy snacks to bring. Etc, etc. Its all pretty cool. And a little bit scary. But its wonderful to visualize how proud of myself I'll feel for pushing my own boundaries, trying something new, and being fit and healthy in the process. Thanks to the people who took the time to comment on my earlier post, an adventure awaits. (Well, MY kind of adventure, anyway!)

The Scale is Not a Report Card

As much as I would love to be able to blog about how I no longer have any food, eating, or weight issues and am sailing happily into the lost horizon of Maintenance, I'm afraid that would be a little misleading. Okay. A LOT misleading. Even though I try to avoid a preachy tone in my writing here, I'm sure that at times I must come across as a bit of a know-it-all. As a result, from some of the e-mails and comments I get, readers are sometimes surprised when I mention 'stuff' I haven't completely worked through. So, read at your own peril, 'cause there are days when I'm the blind guy trying to lead. I'm musing on this today because for the past week or so I've been suffering from what I call 'Straight A Student Syndrome.' You probably know what I mean. Its that mounting anxiety that comes with each POSITIVE piece of feedback. The more you string up success after success, the scarier it is to imagine what would happen if you weren't doing that. Aside from the fact that I think I'm genetically anxious (what? They haven't identified that gene yet?), my incipient worry stems from the fact that I've been cruising along just a smidge under my goal weight for almost a month now. Of course, that shouldn't be new to me, this being my fourth year of doing maintenance. But when I gained my little 'blip' two years ago, I spent what seemed like ages and ages trying to step down off that plateau (even if it wasn't dangerously above my goal). The hypocrisy of the situation isn't lost on me. Because I must admit I do spend a lot of time talking about how important it is to take your mind off of the scale reading. That scale is a 'guide not a god' as the saying goes. So whether its up or whether its down, its not possible to take that reading as an indication of one's value or success. In fact, I know full well that the most valuable 'successes' have nothing to do with the number on that darn machine. The success of getting through one day (any day!) without over eating. The success of going to a restaurant with friends and ordering naturally with ease the things you really want. The success of tripping on a trigger food, but then getting up and starting over. The success of opening the closet and knowing you fit into every single thing in there. And on and on. The reason I guess this all came crashing down on me today was that I ordered some really nice linen trousers from Banana Republic that came in the mail last night. I take perverse pride in the fact that I'm so small, they only carry my waist-size online – you can't get a 29" waist in the store. It's a sort of smug little happy dance I do when I look at their store windows and think "Oooh, that's nice, but of course **I**, Mr. Successful Skinny Person, will have to ORDER that online because I'm so TINY !!!" Well, you guessed it. The trousers? WAAAAAY to snug. Sure, they close and zip, but I wore them for a few minutes last night and realized they really don't fit. And I felt this despondent, defiant "NO WAY AM I A '30' !!" feeling. As if suddenly, after a month of 'being perfect' at my goal, now I have a new number that tells me I failed! Ugh, I will now have to GO TO THE STORE and return these for a larger size and the clerks will all know I am a failure !! See? I told you. Issues. Now, of course (OF COURSE!!!) I know all about clothing sizes and how much they vary. Ironically, in industry-speak this variation in size is called the "Tolerance" (ha!). And of course I have TONS of 29"w stuff in my closet that still fits like a charm. And of course (OF COURSE!!!) I know that a clothing size doesn't brand me as a success or a failure. And of course I know that I can proudly wear ANY size of clothing if I respect myself enough and have a healthy self-esteem. But, dang! I wanted another A+

How Much?

A reader recently asked me a great question. Its something that I've thought about a great deal, and am more than happy to write about. She wrote: I don't think I have heard you talk about the actual difference in your food plan between losing and maintenance. What is the difference in your measureable level of food please? This is such a key question because so much of what is out there in the world is about weight LOSS and what I want this blog to be about is MAINTENANCE of weight loss. After all, I'm sure I'm not alone in having lost weight multiple times in my life. The problem in the past was that I would hit my desired weight and immediately revert to old eating patterns and gain back every ounce (plus more!). First I should mention that I don't exactly have a 'food plan' other than 'anything I want, within reason,' Since part of 'what I want' is not to gain weight, that informs my food choices, but I have very few personal red-light foods. But yes, I do have an overall approach, which is to place some limits around my daily caloric intake (see: disclaimer) which I first started to do four years ago. What was different in 2002 from all the other times I went on a 'diet?' Well, in this case, rather than eliminating foods or sticking solely to preselected foods as I had done before, I simply kept on eating the things I normally ate, but in smaller portions. Let me confess something though. That didn't last long. Because I soon discovered that my favorite foods were so calorie and fat-laden, that the portions I could fit into my daily life were just too SMALL. Being stubborn, it took me several months to figure that out. The first thing I tried was to find alternate lower-calorie substitutes for the same foods (pizza, ice cream, burgers, etc.) – all of which CAN be done and which I still do today. There are many reasonably good-tasting ways to prepare or purchase all of those things in healthier versions. But after a while I realized that this approach was kind of boring. Not only that, it dawned on me that I could actually get way more bang for my buck with foods that I never really tried before. So I vastly expanded my repertoire of vegetables and fruits. I started eating whole grains. And I gleaned tips and hints about new foods and recipes that would help me from anyone and everyone I could find. So its definitely true that I eat differently now, but its also true that I made most of the changes during the losing phase, and since that time there haven't been many big changes. And when I look at my food journals from four years ago (okay, yeah, I'm obsessive, I have 'em) when I was really doing well losing weight, I was eating very similarly to the way I eat today. Now. I realize full well that what this reader really wanted to know was "How much MORE food do you eat now, compared to when you were losing weight?" And I understand where that question is coming from, having done my fair share of "dieting" in the past. But I would like you to consider for a moment, that you won't even care about the answer to this question when you are able to find a long-life approach to eating that leaves you feeling content and satisfied. In other words, if you believe that losing weight means you can't eat "enough" then try something different, and keep trying until you feel satisfied. That's why SLOW weight loss works better. Because during SLOW weight loss, you sustain a calorie level that is well suited for your longer term needs. You should have enough leeway in your 'budget' that you can splurge every now and then, without ever having to 'go hungry.' So. Finally. The answer: When I hit my goal weight, I slowly added back a few more foods to my weekly intake. Once my weight loss halted, I had a pretty good idea of where my maintenance range would lie. And its not a whole heck of a lot more. Maybe a few hundred calories a day, depending on how active I am. And you know what? That's cool. Because I finally learned that I don't need to eat an entire half gallon of ice cream, just to feel like I've had 'enough'. And that's enough, for me.

SWITs

The other night I had a cute story with a great funny tag line prepared for a meeting I was doing that I thought would provoke laughter and generate group discussion. As my friend Richard can attest, however, something in my timing and delivery was off. Because when I was done telling it, the silence was deafening. You could have heard the proverbial pin drop. Oops! Like any author, I love getting comments and feedback from readers, because it helps me gauge the extent to which I'm communicating what I intend to. Therefore, in a similar vein I was bemused when several people noted their surprise at my ongoing SWIT (silly weigh in tactics) behaviors. General opinion being, if I skip breakfast just to weigh less, and then end up overeating as a result, I'm setting myself up for failure. But what I really failed to do was communicate. It was meant merely as a humerous anecdote. Still, I have always pulled one kind of SWIT or another throughout my maintenance career. I liken them to the silly things that baseball players do (wear the same shoes, touch their hat four times, etc.) to ensure 'good luck.' What makes me happy is that they've never been particularly drastic (i.e. I haven't yet resorted to wearing shorts and a tank top yet!). And I do want my once-weekly recorded result (as opposed to my 'amateur' daily readings) to have the same basis in fact. That's what I tell myself, anyway, as I take off my belt and watch, remove my wallet and keys, and step out of my shoes. But honestly, it always shocks me when I see someone in line to get weighed and they have a large empty water bottle or latte, or if they tell me they "just ate." More power to them. That's just not my style. FYI, each of those many, many half-liter glasses of water that I chug daily? They weigh a POUND! At any rate, the other thing I should mention is that I never, ever let myself get hungry to the point of weakness, or blood sugar crash, or even stomach growling. So on the days I skip breakfast, even though by lunch time I'm on a quest for food, I haven't gotten to the stage where I'm ordering pizza while eating Haagen Dasz. I just wouldn't let myself get to that point, trust me. There's also another very cool lesson that I get from this practice of mine. You see, every day when I get up, I get all excited because its "TIME FOR BREAKFAST!" I just love eating so much and I love thinking about food so much! But I think its really, really neat that no matter how food-obsessed I am, there is one day a week when I can skip one meal – and I don't die, gain all my weight back, or lose all self control. This is important to me for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that I am regularly proving to myself that this is NOT a starvation diet like I've done in the past, this is not like one of those can't-eat-this, can't-eat-that restrictive things I've done before too. Just like I want to feel as though I can have two bites of Devin's dessert and feel okay about it, I also want to know that just missing one little meal isn't going to sabotage my efforts and send me over the edge. Its all a part of a psychological strategy that I think works pretty well for me. And 'silly' or not, its kept me alive and well these past four years. As usual, however, Your Mileage May Vary. And as Martha would say, that's a good thing.

A Step Up

Today was one of those 'I don't wanna' exercise days. It took a lot of imagination and effort for me to convince myself to go to the gym at lunchtime. I was tired from my long run yesterday and from a weekend filled with activity but not filled with enough sleep. I knew one thing – if I felt as though I were 'guilting myself' into it, or if I was ignoring any important reason for not going (physical, work-related) etc. then I would probably not enjoy the workout and would feel resentful. And that's definitely NOT the reason I lift weights. So, as I was unlocking my bike and preparing for the ride ahead, I decided to focus on what would make me happy about working out today. Mostly I felt that it would be nice to know that I was keeping my body LOOKING good (never mind the health benefits!). I also kept reminding myself that I actually enjoy being at the gym, and this wasn't some kind of task or drudgery. Then what was causing my hesitation? Well I think part of it is this: the gym is a short UPHILL ride from my office and I face stiff headwinds for much of the ride (due to the tall buildings, I guess). When I get to the building, I have to lock my bike up at the lower end of the building in the parking garage and then go up a flight to the lobby-level. Once there, it's up a short mini-stair case, and then up two double-flights of stairs (77 steps – I counted!). After checking in at the front desk, its up another double flight of stairs to the locker room to change. So, basically, I have to work out, in order to work out. No wonder I balked! But here's what's kind of funny. I did this schlep at the gym for weeks and weeks before I found out that there is an elevator! Sheesh, it never occurred to me (because the stairwells are well marked, open and airy). By that time, however, the idea of walking up the stairs had become so ingrained a habit that I wasn't even tempted to change. And today as I was heading to the stairs, I noticed someone taking the elevator. He was a heavy guy, and I don't blame him for avoiding a cardio blast like that. For an older man, that climb could be a heart attack waiting to happen. Ironically, once I made it to the gym floor, I noticed him running on the treadmill. (Which, in all likelihood, was a safer, lower impact cardio exercise for him). So even though I'm avoiding the 'count your blessings' mindset this week, it did become crystal clear to me that if I hadn't lost weight and hadn't kept up my physical training, I'd probably be riding the elevator. To the Cheesecake Factory.

Bitter Patter

In 2001 I was a rising executive with an impeccable record of almost two decades of public and private service, a substantial (and growing) salary and a seemingly strong career path. In 2002, the rug was pulled out from under me. Along with hundreds of thousands of others, I was laid off during the dot-com bust, and my cushy office, my high-level salary, and my self esteem were wiped out in a single day. Although I hit the pavement with resume in hand and hustled as hard as I could, months and –eventually—years went by while my prospects got dimmer and dimmer. I took part time jobs, did contract work, even borrowed money just to keep the mortgage paid and dinner on the table. When I was finally offered full-time work in 2005, it was as an administrative assistant, making less than half of what I did in my ‘glory days.’ And I was grateful, because I was broke, desperate and depressed. I had hit bottom and this was at least a step up. Recently a friend forwarded an article to me in which it was disclosed that the CEO of my former employer, who was making around $325,000 a year when I was laid off, has seen his salary (not including bonuses) soar to nearly $700,000 – all while downsizing the company and reducing employment by half. For almost two weeks after I read that article, I walked around day and night feeling angry and bitter. In my spare moments I daydreamed regretfully about my former career, and in general threw a big pity party for myself, reveling in the amazing unfairness of it all. Why did I have to suffer so? What purpose did all of this serve? How can bigshots continue to rake in the dough while the rest of us lose our shirts? What did I possibly do wrong during my career that set me up for such failure? I tell ya, it wasn’t pretty. And here’s the rub. After weeks of feeling miserable and resentful and angry and outraged and upset … NOT ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT MY LIFE HAD CHANGED. Except that for a fortnight I’d lost my dignity and my graciousness and had succumbed to negative self-absorption. So, when people talk to me about their weight loss efforts and how unfair it is that they have this battle, I can relate. When people are bitter that they have to consume fewer calories than they want to, and exercise more than they’re used to, I understand. When someone tells me that her spouse is as skinny as a rail and yet eats whatever he wants and doesn’t gain an ounce, I can sympathize completely. Its unfair that we are bombarded by endless commercials for fast food, yet every actor we see on the big and small screens is thin and bony. Its perplexing to be surrounded by conflicting messages about eating and health. Its outrageous that people sabotage our efforts, ridicule our bodies, and act as if we are to blame for being overweight. Its just not right. And yet. And yet. That doesn’t change our reality. Except that all of the time and energy that we invest in being angry or frustrated does not one iota of good. At the end of the day, I still have fewer calories to consume than most people my size. When all is said and done, I still have to continue to get up at 5 a.m. and run with the dog if I want to stay fit. No matter how annoying it might be, the truth is that Devin can eat a bag of potato chips for dinner and I –simply put—cannot. I’m not proposing that we adopt an unrealistic, Pollyanna-ish attitude. I don’t think it does any good to pretend as if these things don’t bug the hell out of us. But take it from me, you could spend the next fourteen days spitting mad about it all, and at the end of it, you’ll only feel worse. I’m not counting my blessings, looking on the brighter side, making lemons out of lemonade, or any of that. I’m just acknowledging that some things, while true, are unhelpful to focus on. And my goal here, and elsewhere in my life, is to pick up and move on. Join me?