Prior Proper Planning

Earlier this week my friend Jessica (who’s maintaining a 130 pound weight loss) smiled as she talked about how annoying it was that she had to spend 15 minutes chopping veggies the other day. But once she was done, she said, having them ready-to-go in the fridge allowed her to quickly make healthy choices. I was grumbling too, this afternoon when I got home from my part time job, and had to spend the first 20 minutes or so throwing together a really nice salad, a salmon burger and a smoothie before I could sit down and eat. No doubt about it, the whole planning ahead thing can be very cumbersome. Especially if you, like me, live with someone who’s perfectly content grabbing fast food or having nachos for dinner. The other day my team at work voted to go to Chevy’s for lunch as a ‘reward’ for the conference we just put on (my sushi suggestion was met with no enthusiasm). My first instinct was to (1) go online to get the nutrition info and (2) start shooting e-mails around to healthy-weight-oriented friends I have and asking them what strategies they would use. (Many Chevy’s entrees have more calories in a serving than I have for the entire DAY). It took me two days to get ready with the ideas and plans that I needed to have to feel as though I could make choices. So whether you eat at home or eat out, there’s no escaping the fact that you have to know what needs to be done ahead of time. And sure, it would be a LOT more convenient to just order off the McDonald’s menu, or heat up some prepacked lasagna. There are definitely times when I get resentful and fall into the “why me” syndrome. How come I have to eat healthy? How come I have to fix vegetables? How come I can can’t grab breakfast every day at Donut Express? But this morning, when I did my official weigh-in, it all seemed to make much more sense to me. Here I am, four years into this health kick, and my weight is just as healthy as it was when I first reached goal. The small amount of work I had to do up front this week, really pales in comparison with the feeling of success and satisfaction I get from knowing that I’m in control of my weight destiny. Besides, there are so many other things in life I have to plan. I need to buy toothpaste so I can brush my teeth at night. I need to set an alarm so I can get to work in the morning. I need to find time to walk the dog so he doesn’t have an accident. I need to buy gas for the car BEFORE it hits “E.” So for the moment, no complaints from me. My clothes fit great, I have tons of energy, and I’m getting plenty to eat. Its neither simple nor easy, but its do-able. Of course I’m already planning my next Costco run.

Orderly

The other day Susan and Stretchy commented on “the new eating disorder for people who only eat nutritious foods.” Since this is the 21st century, I immediately looked it up online and read what I could. Since I’m not a scientist and I have no medical training, I never draw conclusions about stuff like eating disorders because I really don’t have a leg to stand on. The clinical description sounded pretty convincing and potentially pretty scary. Still, from what I read, it sounded like the people doing the diagnosis had a lot of misconceptions about weight loss. And I had to laugh (or perhaps cry?) when I read this: "It is common for individuals who are on diets to be concerned with what types of food they are eating, but this concern should quickly decrease as they near or achieve their desired weight." I’m sorry, what planet are these people living on?? And, naturally, I spent the rest of the week asking myself “Am I obsessed?” “Have I gone over the top?” “Have I stopped enjoying food and do I think harshly of others for what they eat?” Hoo boy. All of that got me to thinking tonight as I was at the gym. Because I have this blog about weight maintenance, I do spend a lot of time thinking about what to write. Also, because I work part time in the weight loss field, I naturally spend time researching and talking about strategies and solutions for healthy eating. And of course whenever you are focusing on something like this, it’s the challenges and the setbacks and the successes that stick out in one’s mind. So if you didn’t know me in real life, but only read my blog, you might think I was a neurotically obsessed calorie counter. Oh wait. I am. But you know what? I also have a pretty good life. Today I wore my smallest pair of pants, and they looked great. At noon, I found out my team lunch was cancelled, so I was able to hop on my bike and come home, eat something healthy (and walk the dog). After work, I had the strength and desire to go to the gym, and when I got there I had a nice workout. On the one hand, all of those things might be “about maintenance.” On the other, its really just about life. Its about wearing clothes I like. Spending quality time with Paco the Dalmatian. Staying fit and trim. Neurotic? Sure. Obsessed? Um, hello! Disordered? Not a freakin’ chance.

Magic

I was reading some (much better, funnier and more interesting) blogs about weight loss today and was struck by the fact that so many people go through that "I'm so sick of being fat" phase and just WANT IT ALL TO BE OVER NOW. Boy oh boy, been there, done that. But at the risk of repeating myself (and therefore being unfunny and boring) I just have to say that my personal experience is that any time I've "succeeded" at rapid weight loss, the physical and psychological repercussions were far more damaging than any enjoyment I had of being smaller. And my weight loss never seemed to last for more than ... oh, say, 15 minutes?! Trust me when I tell you that I HATED regaining some of my weight last year and it drove me to literal tears at times. It was annoying and frustrating and I pray and hope that I don't have to go back to that place again. Sure, it could happen, but I'm doing my darndest to avoid it. And here's the rub. At my highest weight, I suffered from depression and anxiety, had self-esteem issues and difficulty in some of my interpersonal relationships. I also became unable to exercise and that made me feel bad physically, in addition to all the psychological stuff. Now that I'm living the skinny lifestyle, am I cured? No. I suffer from depression and anxiety, I still worry about my self image, and I'm very far from being the kind of friend and companion that I want to be. And while I love the fact that I can (and do) exercise vigorously every single day, I still worry about all the "what ifs." (i.e. if I get injured and stop working out will I gain huge amounts of weight again?) Nevertheless, I achieved something. I changed. I changed my attitude and behavior about food and I changed my beliefs about my ability to succeed. And it took (is taking?) a very, very long time. So, if someone waived a magic wand over me five years ago and the fifty-plus pounds were gone in an instant, I can pretty much guarantee that every single one of those pounds would have found its way home just as quickly. It has ONLY been the difficult, annoying, struggling part that has changed me enough to become a healthy weight maintainer. Even if I had the desire and the intellectual knowledge to make good choices before, I didn't have the day to day experience, nor had I seen myself break through the hard part and live to eat another day. No, I'm not saying that you should enjoy the pain, the struggle, the travail of the weight loss/weight maintenance process. No, I'm not wishing on YOU the many speedbumps that tripped ME up. No, I don't think you HAVE to fail to succeed. But do yourself a favor -- whatever it is about yourself that you want to change for the better, start working on that right now, today, whatever your weight is. And give yourself a big hug. From me. Oh and remind me about every last word of this post when I go to my official weigh in on Saturday morning. Yikes.

Rain

Rainy season got an early start in San Francisco -- October 4th. I hate when that happens! Its not that I don't like rain per se ... its just that I'm not ready for winter quite yet. As I rode my bike home in the rain and in the dark tonight (with appropriate lighting and reflective gear) I was thinking of the season ahead and why it can seem so challenging. I guess its no accident that our culture tosses together so many holidays in the colder, wetter part of the year. Now, I haven't any idea at all if weather can affect weight directly. Perhaps there's a weird correlation between the rays of the sun and the rate of the metabolism. Maybe when we feel cold we store fat (although with air-conditioning the way it is, I'm usually pretty cold in summer). Am I insane to think that I can maintain my weight as the days get shorter and the weather gets cooler? Is it unrealistic to focus on being slender and fit when for the next three months its going to be an extravaganza of sweets, and pastries and calorie-laden avalanches of food? We'll just have to wait and see, I guess. In the meantime, I'm breaking out my waterproof layers.

An Apple a Day

This morning my friend Danielle was telling me about her Yom Kippur fast and something she said really resonated with me. There are times when can go without eating for a fairly long time and still feel okay, and even when you have that first bite you might still feel “like the picture of restraint.” But after that first bite all restraint goes straight out the window. Then all you can think is “food, food, food!” In other words, once hunger gets past a certain threshold, it seems to take on a different dimension and be much, much harder to satisfy. So even recognizing physical fullness after a meal, if you’ve been very hungry, its hard to stop the urge to just keep on eating and eating. This morning I had breakfast at 6 a.m. (my usual time). From the moment I got to work at 7, however, we were running around like crazy doing all the behind-the-scenes work for a conference, with the attendant mix of stress and exhaustion. There wasn’t a moment to breathe, let alone snack (and besides, I left my apple at my desk). Ironically, my boss stationed me at the buffet, where I was instructed to ensure “only one boxed lunch per person” was handed out. Naturally, the conference got behind by an entire hour, so the lunch break didn’t even start til 1 p.m. And then, feeling rather cranky and irritable by that point, I was put in charge of monitoring everyone’s food! It wasn’t until 1:30 that I was able to grab one of the lunches, hide in an alcove, and sit down to eat. Since it had been 7 ½ hours since my last meal, I was ravenous! The lunch was good and satisfying -- whole wheat sandwich with avocado and veggies, plus a small serving of fresh fruit. But naturally, when I was done it was all I could do to stop from eating another one! As it was, I ended up grabbing one of the huge cookies that were on offer for dessert. Fortunately, I tossed out half the cookie. (A strong act of willpower, considering my cookie addiction). And from that point, we became so busy again that I didn’t get my next breather until after 5. So even though I hadn’t quenched that “urgent hunger” feeling right away, as soon as I became engaged in all the conference activity, I was able to ignore it until my stomach and my brain caught up with each other. I suppose in theory, enforced portion control like that could work as a weight management technique. You could be limited to several reasonable meals with no snacks before or after. Some people even tell me this works for them. But as far as I’m concerned, an ounce of hunger prevention is definitely worth more than a pound on the scale. Only when I’m not too edgy can I stop, breathe, and allow myself to experience the feeling of satiety. Never getting too hungry. Never getting too full. Next time I’m bringing that apple WITH me.

To Your Health

One tenet of successful group facilitation is for the leader to guide a discussion by starting with open ended questions that people feel comfortable talking about at length. Speaking from experience, that can make a successful meeting. Or break it. Because the moment you begin to ask binary questions (yes/no, good/bad) etc. discussion dies. And the worst thing of all is to simply stand and lecture. Tonight I wanted to facilitate a discussion about what medical, nutritional, or other health information we need to have that is related to achieving lasting weight loss. Unfortunately I didn’t ask the question right. Because I asked “What do you want your doctor to tell you if you go to him or her for advice about your weight?” You could hear crickets chirping. I explained to the group that, although my doctor is a great guy and I trust him, he intimidates me a little and if I don’t go to him with specific questions, he won’t sit there and try to guess answers. He’s too pressed for time. So I asked where we could go to find the questions that we need to ask. More crickets. While this was painful for me (because I felt like I wasn’t being concise enough or clear enough) I also thought it was fascinating that in an entire roomful of people, not one person immediately raised their hand and said “check blood pressure” or “find out cholesterol levels.” I tried paraphrasing the question a few times but soon realized that I had gone too far down the wrong fork in the road. So I doubled back and the discussion went elsewhere. That’s just what happens, some days. Still, I’m struck by the thought that even if we’re educated adults, concerned about healthy weight management, and desirous of improved health, that we can be so passive when it comes to getting the information we need. Next time I see Dr. L, I’m going to be very clear with him that I need to know what impact my weight management efforts have on my health, and I need to understand which tests need to be run and how to interpret the answers. Of course, I’ll have to try not to choke in the heat of the moment.

Life at Goal

Yesterday an older gentleman I know who lost 35 pounds last year, came to me concerned about the difficulty he’s had maintaining his weight. He’s a gruff, tough-looking guy – very friendly but has sort of a college football coach’s demeanor. My first reaction was “Wow, if THIS guy is having trouble, then what’s the hope for the rest of us?” We talked for a while, and I agreed that we would continue having a conversation about strategies and ideas about keeping the weight off. Last week another person told me that she felt that being at a healthy weight requires “sacrifice” (her word). When I asked what she meant, she explained that she feels healthy weight management requires a conscious decision to forego things that she would otherwise be doing or eating. “There’s no doubt that I have to give things up that I really want. Its not just about portion control and journaling.” I understood what she meant, so my only question to her was “Do you think its worth it?” She agreed emphatically, and said that was what makes her sacrifice possible. All of this put me in mind of something else I’d heard recently – this time from an older woman friend in my Education for Ministry Class. She had mentioned that even though her husband died six years ago, she still feels his loss on a constant basis. Another person in class offhandedly said “Oh your grieving doesn’t end. It doesn’t have to.” She (and I) expressed surprise. But our classmate’s point was well taken. If there is someone or something that you really loved and you no longer have them in your life, you will feel grief at one level or another. While I was out doing my Long Sunday Run this morning, I pondered over these people and their messages. Because I sometimes do wish my life was easier and didn’t involve so much … “work.” My weight is currently above my comfort level and I’ve been wishing that situation would just go away. But it won’t. And it doesn’t have to. That’s just life.