Coming out of the carrot closet

If you had told me five years ago that the key to my long term weight loss success was going to be … VEGETABLES… I would have laughed so hard I might have dropped my box of oreos. After all, from childhood I’d hated everything green, and most especially peas, asparagus, and beans. So it was really pretty amazing to me that during the course of my weight loss I really began not only to appreciate the taste of many vegetables, but even to look forward to them. It happened very, very gradually, but I exchanged my iceberg lettuce for mixed greens, my thousand island dressing for basalmic vinegar, and even began having veggies for breakfast! Its to the point where today, when I pulled the cellophane off of the herb salad I made yesterday with fresh tomatoes, mushrooms and beets, I was practically salivating! It was that good! But here’s a little secret. Its one I’m kind of embarrassed about it. And in the past the few people I’ve told have all been rather skeptical. I add vegetables to non-vegetable dishes. When I make pancakes, I use mushrooms (yes, mushrooms) to bulk up the batter. When I make a chocolate and fruit smoothie, I add carrots to give it more thickness. When I get mu-shu pork from the Chinese takeout, I put steamed veggies in every other wrap instead of the meat. I go through more veggies in a day, than my family goes through in a week. To me, it makes sense to make fake ‘mashed potatoes’ using cauliflower. I like using romaine lettuce instead of a tortilla shell. And steamed asparagus tips are one of my all time favorite snacks. I’m not sure why I hesitate to ‘confess’ these things, but I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that these choices are SO far afield from my past, that its sometimes even a little hard for ME to believe. My new-found affinity for beans and beets and squash and garlic and … well, you name it … seems a little … odd. And trust me, if you’ve ever mentioned to a room full of people that you can stretch pancake mix with some nice fresh trumpet royale mushrooms, then you know what I’m talking about! So wow. There. I’ve said it. I’m a veggie-o-phile. And proud of it!

I’m so lucky!

Tonight I had a flat tire. I was riding my bike home and the largest nail I’ve ever seen in my life punctured my rear tire so thoroughly, that it got stuck and began banging against the bicycle frame. Two passers-by even notice and expressed their amazement. Now, I don’t know how to change a bike tire. And even if I did, I don’t have the parts at home. Besides, it’s the rear wheel, which is the one I have absolutely NO desire to try and remove, what with the chain, the derailleur, the rack, and etc... Still, the incident didn’t phase me in the least. And there were a couple of reasons: - I’d just worked out at the gym and was relaxed - I know a great place that fixes flats, and most importantly - It happened JUST the moment I arrived at home All I had to do was pull out the nail and wheel my bike into the garage. It just so happens that on Saturdays I drive to my part-time job, and I always take the station wagon for that trip. And as luck would have it (this being San Francisco) I actually have it parked across the street, instead of blocks and blocks away. So not only do I not need my bike to get to work tomorrow, I can just pull it out of the garage, throw it into the way-back of my car, and then stop by the bike shop later on in the day on my way home. Inconvenient? Yes. Disastrous? Not really. As I was making dinner afterwards, it struck me that this exact same event could have hit me completely differently. Had it happened on a weekday, I would have had to come up with an alternative commute. Had it happened downtown, I would have been really stuck, and I might have gotten hurt in traffic. Had it happened first thing in the morning, when I was headed somewhere (and late as usual) it might have really been a nightmare. But since none of that was the case, I actually felt somewhat relieved. And I didn’t feel the need to eat over it, which was a major milestone, since up until that point, I’d spent the day dealing with a really strong urge to munch. In a way, it reminded me of something my priest once told me when we were having lunch and I was asking her about dealing with tough times in life. She said “God doesn’t test us in life to make us strong. We are made strong so that we can bear the tests that arise from living.”

Mr Crankypants

Today I’ve been in a bad mood, feeling a little depressed and cranky. It took me a little while to clue into this, since its not exactly a new and novel experience. Still, I have lots of strategies to get through days like these and I’m okay with that. I was thinking about this while I was at the gym at lunchtime (I do my best thinking when I’m being physical, for some reason). In the back of my mind I was wondering what had been driving me to some late night snacking the past couple of days, and that probably should have been my first bad-mood clue. Back in the days when I was seriously overweight, I had plenty of depressive episodes, both short and long, mild and deep. There was a part of me that thought ‘if only’ … ‘if only I were thin’ or ‘if only I could find love’ etc … then I might be ‘cured’ of this occasional sadness. Most often, however, I just attempted to drown those thoughts in food – sugary, salty, crunchy, greasy, calorie-laden food. As a result one of the hardest things for me to accept when I got to my healthy weight in 2002 was that, in fact, I was just the same old guy with the same old neuroses and the same old challenges. The only different was that I was thin! I enjoyed my new clothes and my new body and my new healthy lifestyle, but it turns out that they didn’t inoculate me from being … well, me -- warts and all. And as I’ve written about previously, the cruel irony of it all, is that I’m now thin and still occasionally depressed and yet no longer have the one coping mechanism I’ve used my entire life – namely, overeating. Even worse, when I first lost weight and got depressed and found myself overeating I would tell myself ‘I won’t do that again tonight’ or ‘I’ve got to stop this behavior’ or ‘what’s the matter with me, I know better!’ And that didn’t work at all. It just made me feel worse. So this morning, having woken up feeling unhappy with last night’s late-night eating, I knew I needed a different strategy for the day ahead. With past experience in mind, during a boring morning meeting, I doodled for a while on a piece of paper until I came up with four things to focus on. Four POSITIVE things that I wanted to feel when I went to bed. Here’s what I wrote: Satisfied Comfortable Competent Proud And then I spent the rest of the day reminding myself that these were my focus. For one thing, that’s how I ended up at the gym! For another, when I was feeling cranky and sad, I knew that it was STILL possible to focus on feeling physically satisfied and comfortable, and I visualized what it would be like to wake up tomorrow feeling competent and proud of my accomplishments. It didn’t mean that I required myself to stop being sad. And more importantly, it didn't meant that I had to impose a limit on my food intake. But it sure helped. And now I’m off to bed.

Mission Possible

When I got home from work tonight I was feeling, as Devin calls it ‘frazzle-dazzled.’ It was one of those ‘firefighter’ days at the office; periods of boring inactivity, followed by intense crisis and much running about. And my part time work afterwards left me feeling a little drained (the attendees had low energy tonight) especially since I rode home on my bike against a headwind. Its usually the kind of thing that sets me up for a night of mindless calorie-laden choices (which I inevitably regret by morning). I’m nervous/tense/anxious, therefore I eat! And then, after having climbed up the two flights of stairs to get home, I discovered the dog had not been fed or walked, so I did that first, walking back down and over to the park, even though I wanted dinner. But then I realized that my car was in a no parking zone for tomorrow and I’d have to move it, since I’m busy in the morning. Which meant going back up the stairs to get the keys, and then down, around the corner, and up a steep hill to retrieve the car. After which I realized that I had forgotten to remind my boss and coworkers that I’m offsite for an all-day course tomorrow, even though my team is under the gun to get a long report finished. So when I got back upstairs, I immediately booted up my computer to fire off some e-mails regarding my lack of availability to continue working for most or all of tomorrow. Oy vey! Honestly, by the time I had done all of this I was tired, cranky and exhausted, not to mention a little hungry. But I did something a little different. Tonight I sat on the floor, rubbing the dog’s tummy, and chatting with Devin after he got home late for work (and before he had to dash off to engage in (yet another) tennis match. I decided that some belly rubbing and good conversation was probably going to do a lot more for me than a chocolate/fruit smoothie! And eventually, about 9 p.m., I finally had the time to hit the kitchen and make a quick & easy dinner. Yeah, just one of those days. And I’m grateful for it. Because so often in the past I’ve put food first surreptitiously, and then continued to be stressed by everything else, and then –naturally—ended up eating some MORE! Thank god there are days like this. Because when everything is easy and calm and my schedule isn’t so frantic, THOSE are the days when its almost ‘easy’ to be a maintainer at goal. But I want to be prepared for the long haul – good, bad or indifferent. By contrast, if I can make it through a day like today without falling into a chocovat, then I’ve proved to myself that this is doable, liveable and worth it. And it is.

Plan A

Since I have two jobs, I work six days out of the week, including a couple of nights, and once a week on what should be my lunch hour. I like doing it, and I'm not complaining (besides, we could use the cash), but it means I need to plan. Ugh. Plan is SUCH a four-letter word, sometimes! The "easiest" thing I do is wake up just before the crack of dawn and go running with my dalmatian, Paco. I don't love getting up so early, but its the one time of day when I know that no other person or thing can claim my time. In addition to that morning run, however, I like to go to the gym and lift weights and work out my abs about four times a week. I usually squeeze it in during a couple of lunch time and evening sessions, depending on my schedule. All of that requires a little planning -- mainly getting to bed on time so I'm not too sleepy when I have my 'window of opportunity.' I really rely on those activities to relieve stress, keep my body healthy, and maintain my goal weight. And I can freak out sometimes if I haven't planned my schedule right. And then there's meal planning, which I really hate. I tend to eat the same (or similar) things for breakfast every day, which means I need to ensure that I have the whole wheat bread and/or the egg whites and/or the veggies and/or the fruit that I like. It also requires that I shop fairly regularly, since I like fresh stuff whenever possible. For lunch, I often ride my bike home and throw together a salad and a sandwich, which I can do in about 7 minutes (I've timed it!) and it still leaves me a moment to walk the dog. Otherwise, if I haven't planned properly, I get stuck going to the cafeteria at work with its somewhat marginal salad bar. When I can afford it, I'll grab some sushi, and sometimes a low-calorie wrap, but I consider those luxuries! Dinner times can be really tough, since I like to eat at home and sometimes I don't get in until almost 9 p.m. and I need something fast. In that case it always helps if I've got something already made, or else have shopped for something I can toss together in a few minutes. The worst thing is to arrive home late, tired and with nothing healthy in the house -- that's when I start raiding Devin's stuff, and then I'm really in trouble. As much as I don't love cooking and I don't love shopping, I do know they're givens in my life. Tonight when I got home from work and was relishing the idea of a rare free evening, it dawned on me that my veggie and fruit supplies were low, despite a couple of supermarket runs over the weekend. It took every ounce of my will to drag myself down to the car and head over to Costco, where I piled up tons of great stuff from my (pre-planned) list. The thing that got me out of my comfy chair was the realization that, once again, if I didn't, there'd be tough times in the calorie department when I get home from my 2nd job tomorrow night, tired and cranky. Exercise, shopping, cooking. Ugh!!! Calgon take me away!! On the other hand, no matter how onerous it can be, no matter how tedious or repetitious to trot out my schedule and checklist, I can tell you this.... Plan A sure beats the hell out of Plan B.

Gee, Mail!

I love gmail from google because its free and has practically unlimited storage. But when I created my account for this blog I messed up with one of the settings and as a result, I only found out today that in the past two months I missed OVER 500 E-MAILS !! So if you wrote me and I didn’t respond, my apologies. Its all fixed now. So keep those cards and letters coming! jack.sprat.blog@gmail.com

Child's Play?

Today on my way to my part-time job after work, I stopped at the drugstore to buy a bottle of water (yes, its actually been hot in San Francisco). In the checkout line I witnessed a fascinating scene: Little boy: I want this (holding toy) Mother: No Little boy: But I want it Mother: No, you already have a million toy cars Little boy: I want it Mother: No, put it back Little boy (stands quietly, does nothing) Clerk: Well ma'am, what'll it be? Mother: Oh well... how much is it? What struck me was that from the get go, I knew this kid was going to win. You could see it on his face. Although his mother's protests sounded genuine, I could tell that this tyke had been through this before and new exactly what he was doing. It was remarkable because throughout the conversation, both parties were calm, no one shouted or whined. The outcome was predetermined. Now, I don't really care how many toys this lady buys her kid. But the interaction did bug me. Because in my opinion, she is teaching the lesson that rules are made to be broken. Just keep badgering and you get what you want. And I pictured this kid getting home, tossing the toy on a heap of other unused toys, and then demanding something else. While I definitely would not want to emulate my own parents' child-rearing style, there is one thing that they did which has helped me out. When one of them said "No" it meant "No." I couldn't play one parent off the other. You could tell even if one of them was willing to say "Yes" as long as one said "No" they both said "No." Even if it was unfair. As a result, when I was a kid, I knew that "No" meant either never, or "not until I'm grown up." And what I got from that was actually self-discipline. Because early on, it became clear that somethings would go my way, and other things wouldn't, and I had to accept the result. In my weight management journey, self-discipline has been really helpful. As long as I'm not in denial about my eating and exercise, I understand what I'm doing and I know what it takes for me to stay on track. I know that there are results from my actions that are pretty inevitable. Overeat, gain weight. Balance eating and exercise, stay the same. Eat less and move more, lose weight. This discipline doesn't mean that I always do things perfectly. It doesn't mean that I ride herd on myself, or that I'm a disciplinarian. It doesn't even mean that I have any willpower. To me, discipline is all about understanding the consequences. I know that if I follow a plan, it will work and if I don't it won't work. Pouting, cajoling, demanding, foot stomping -- none of those methods works. Not even my own Mother would say I was an angelic child. But at least she spared me from having an Inner Brat to contend with. Thanks Mom!

Should-er

There have been a lot of jokes lately about the President declaring he is "the decider." Well I feel as though I am the "should-er." It seems no matter how much time and effort I've spent on letting my perfectionism go, its so common for me to find myself thinking of how I could (and therefore ought to) have done something better. After I got off the plane this morning and got the train home, it was such an amazing and inspiring day that I decided to throw on my running clothes and do my usual long Sunday run. We rarely have sun and warmth in the summer, but today it was gorgeous, and as I strode mile after mile, I drank in the landscape, the sky, the people and the fresh Pacific air. It was all a glorious feeling, but then as I was climbing up the last of the steep hills, my music player stopped because I had gone through all the songs on the playlist I was listening to. And my first thought was, "damn, I usually have two or three songs left at the end of my run. I should have been runnig faster..." As if, in a split second, all the triumph and enjoyment were nullified by the fact that I ran slowly today? Sheesh. When I think of some of the more momentus things I've done in my life --whether spending a year abroad, or buying my first condo, or setting up a brand new California office for my East-coast company-- I often mull over all the improvements I could have made. I should have studied harder, saved more, been better organized, etc. etc. And from first hand experience, I know I'm not alone in this editing of the positive. Frequently I'll ask someone "what was the best part of the week for you?" and then they begin a litany of everything they failed to do, all the missed opportunities, all of the 'bad' behavior. Of course humility and self-deprication are strong societal values, but it gets a little overboard when we simply refuse to come up with a positive answer to a positive question! I think its ironic that 'should-er' is not a real word, but 'shoulder' is. Because I think those of us that spend so much time criticizing ourselves or drawing up lists of everything we could do better, are carrying the weight of the world around on our shoulders. We're breaking our own backs with the burdens that we pile on ourselves. So for today, I'm just going to think about some positives... - I survived a family vacation without any major drama - I ate well and did a great job of taking care of myself while I was on the road - I met my ONE goal for the trip (i.e. attending a weight support meeting) - I came back energized and ready to enjoy the comforts of home -- including going for a long, enjoyable, successful run. Wow. Despite that uncomfortable airline seat, my shoulder is feeling better already!